The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Since The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie was so great I decided to write a review about it, or should I say realization about or just simply a reflection.

I like the movie way better than the book, maybe because I didn't finished the book. It was boring and I am too busy last semester so I decided that I won't finished it and decided to return it to my classmate who lend me the book.

The movie was funny until you come into the end. Not that, it's full of drama, it's just whenever I watch an awesome movie I always cry at the end - what ever genre is that as long as I find it great.
I won't call it a sad movie since Charlie said that his story is not a sad story anymore - that it's alive. Since I didn't finish the book, though I only have few pages left - I didn't know what his Aunt Hellen did to him. It was a shock of me and I feel so stupid for not finishing the book. I regret that! I wished I finished it!

So I love the ending, like what I've said, it made me cry. I love the movies that made me cry at the end. It was a great movie and I salute Stephen Chbosky for that, since he's the director and the screen writer plus the book writer. Though, I didn't appreciate the book as much as I appreciate the movie, it inspire me to write and to be a sensible person.

This story is really amazing! Since I lack english vocabulary, I couldn't express my feelings more than the word "amazing". It was amazing movie, not the molested part thing, even though it was not clearly stated. A part of me wish that I didn't know that, since Charlie regarded his Aunt Hellen as his "FAVORITE" person. Also, part of me was glad to know that since I now get a clear picture of why he needed to be hospitalized over something that I thought wasn't that traumatic. In the ending it shows that everything happens from our past has a impact to our future - yes, it sounds like a true Freudian.

This movie inspired me to be alive, to write, to cherish every moment, to be the best that I can be, and to be INFINITE! I wanna go out there and have fun. I want to dance like mad, sing like hell, and drink like a every single drop counts. I want to experience life in the fullest! I wanna live my life! I want to do great things!

I want a new life, and be the person I am. I want to let out the real me who has been restrain with the reality. I've been hiding myself a lot, I want to have the opportunity to go and reveal myself. I want to meet new people. I want to go in a different place, far away from here. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I want to experience every rush of the moment. I want to feel the coldness of the night. I want to feel the warmth of the sun. I want to dance with the dangling light. I want to sing along with the wind. I want to jump of the cliff and never die. I want to experience the whole me. I want to drowned myself with happiness. I want to see the world with me on it. I want to be in the world where I belong. I don't want to be idle anymore. I want to go out and have fun! I want to feel the earth. I want to feel alive. I want my dreams and reality to collide.

I want all of those. I live for those. For now, I am waiting to have the opportunity and a luxury to do it.


Wait for me Life, I'll come and get you!

A letter for Paulo Coelho

Dear Mr. Paulo Coelho,

I don't know if you'll ever find this blog and read my letter to you, given the fact that my chance of you reading this like 10% only I am still willing to express my admiration for you.

I am currently reading Aleph, and once again you touched my entire humanity. You open my heart, mind and soul. You never fail in reaching my heart through your works. You never fail in bringing back my faith. Because of your works I regain my faith. I feel like a new born.

I wouldn't pretend that I read all of your works, because I only read and finished only 4 of it; 11 minutes, The Alchemist, Veronica decided to die, and By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept. With only those 4 writing, you touched my soul - you renew my soul. In every writing of yours that I had read, I always have this realization. The world seems so bright after reading your works. It bring me closer to God.

I don't want to pretend nor to assume that I have the full knowledge of your religious and spiritual belief but let me tell you that whatever religion you belong too - I am not offended by it. Normally, I will put down a book because the writer talks about their religious beliefs which obviously I don't believe in.

When I was 16, I was in the edge of falling to my own hell. I was in danger of not believing that God exist. I was ready to give up, I was ready to be an Atheist. But through God I found your work and through your work I found my own faith. I found my God - my God because we form our own concept of God. I am aware that we all do have one God, it's just that we have different concepts which is part of our search of Him.

It's amazing how God blessed you. I want to call you one of my hero's for saving my faith.

Right now, I am perfectly happy with my spiritual life. I don't belong to any religious group anymore and I think it suits me best. I read bible on my own terms. I want to understand it with on my own. I want to have my own interpretation of it, besides life will tell if what I interpreted was right or wrong.
Now I find myself talking to God more than I did years ago (when I haven't read any of your works).

I want to thank you! Thank you for using your gift and sharing it with us. Thank you for bringing back my faith. I don't know how to say it less iconic but through your works I found my way to faith and God. Your words in your writing seems perfectly answer my questions that wasn't yet answered. Thank you for letting me understand my spiritual being. Don't worry, I don't see you as God (I am against to that kind of iconic thing). I just see your work as another instrument for the lost individual like me (the old me) - who was once resisted God.
I hope you''l continue writing. You don't just inspire me, you make me believe. Continue to use your gift from God.


Yours truly,
Sola Meadow

Finding your place in the world

As I was watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the word "good at" suddenly pops out to my mind. Most of the people who I find cool or admire have something they're good at. They have their own "forte", which makes me question mine. To be honest I still don't know what is my forte. I still don't know where am I good at. I know I have the "potential" to do this and that, but "potential" is not enough.
I don't have the talent, maybe that's the problem. I really can't say that I believe that we all do have a talent and we just got to find it - since I don't know and I believe that I don't have one. I know everyone can acquire the skills, but sometimes skills alone is not good enough. It sucks when your knowledge, skills or even your talent is not enough. But when was anything has been enough? When can you actually tell that it is enough? What is enough truly means? I guessed nothing can really be enough if we're talking about ourselves. It takes a verification from others views of you to believe that you are enough. That you've done pretty well.

I envy those people who can talk freely, happy and proud to their own forte or to their own likes. Others are good at music, writing, math, histories, art... It seems like they already find their place in the world. I know compare to other people whom I personally know - that I am way better - that I am in the processed of getting there. I don't want to make it sound like an arrogant person who thinks highly of herself, but it's the truth. Most of the people around me who's also around my age, seems so lost. Most of them just want a practical life and yet luxurious life (living in luxury w/o purpose). Maybe that's one the reasons why I thought I already found my place in the world...
Then I watched this incredible people who I'm not really sure if they do exist. People who already find its place in the world. People who knows exactly where they should be and that they are sure with that.
I want to find my place in the world. I want to find a place where I know I belong, not just because that's where I thought I should belong. I also want to find the feeling of belongingness - that I am not just there because I want too - that I'm there because it's my place. But I know the only place I could find where I truly belong is within myself. I have to know myself more, not because I don't know myself (I know myself better than anyone else). I just think that knowing yourself is a continuous process. As long as we breath, we discover something new from ourselves. I think that's the thrill in life. Exceeding your potential, discovering more about yourself, finding where you truly belong, trying different things - just the entire adventure of life. Life is full of self discovery; while discovering the world and the people in it you also discover yourself.

P.S

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is really a funny - GREAT movie. I read the book last semester, I find the book quite boring, though, it has some interesting thoughts. To be honest, it has a lot of sense. It's just that I don't like it when the author makes it sound that Charlie have this mature thinking, but for me Charlie's thinking is just appropriate for his age it's just that most of the kid around him are just immature. Oh well, maybe most the kids in USA are like that or maybe west kids are really quite different - or we are all different.

Currently reading

I am currently reading Atonement by Ian McEwan. I fell in love with the movie that's why I decided to read the novel. It's my first McEwan novel.

There is actually one more reason why I decided to read it (beside I feel in love with the movie & to James McAvoy). I want to read it because I want to get out of my comfort zone. I feel like I haven't read any "actual novel" besides Paulo Coelho's novels. I want something where I can learn something. Something that just not fill my imagination but also contribute to it.

To be honest, I haven't read any Shakespeare or Slyvia Plath works. Though I read one of Edgar Allan Poe works, which I forgot eventually. I am not a true bookworm or a novel/poems lover. I am not even a fan of those.

I started reading novel when I was in my senior year in high school, and guessed what? It's Twilight Saga. I just read it by accident. I saw our class president reading it, then I asked her if I can see it. Then I check out the cover page then the back, then the acknowledgement, and then the chapter 1 - and I couldn't put it down anymore. I think I spent the rest of my senior year reading Twilight Saga. Since my parents won't buy me that, I have to borrowed from our class president and to the guy two years younger than us. Then my friend decided to just print it, instead of buying it. So alternately, we read it and since I am the faster reader I go first.

That's how I started reading novels, when I got to college I met some people who is also fond at reading novels. They introduce me to Paulo Coelho works. His first novel that I read is the 11 minutes, then the Alchemist. I love his works, and I've been reading most of his works now. I read some novels too which I forgot the title and the author. It will take me 2 novels with the same author to actually remember their name and the title of their works. I know, shame on me for that.

Then I stop reading novels for about a year and resume after reading the 50 Shades of Grey and I started reading erotic romance novels. I even told my friend "if porn are for guys well erotic novels are for us girl!" Yes, very funny of me. I really prefer erotic novels over porn (which doesn't have any romance on it). Also, I prefer reading that over boring romantic novels where I don't learn anything. At least in erotic novels there's a thrill.

Anyways, so since I've been reading a lot of erotic novels, I feel like I haven't been reading an "actual - real" novel. I want to take myself into the next level. I want to get out of my zone and appreciate other genre and learn something from it.

My only problem in reading an "actual - real" novel is the author use of words. I hate it when they use a deep meaning whatever word is that. If they can explain something in an easy way, then why not use that? If there's a beautiful word and yet easy to be understood word, then why not use that? Do I always have to carry a dictionary or search in the internet just to find the definition of that word? Yes, I am not a native english speaker that's why I complain a lot. Or maybe I am just stupid enough not to know those english deep meaning words? (*And stupid enough not to know where the (,) must be put or when to end a sentence.) 

I know I should expand my english vocabulary. Actually I am planning to enroll in a technical writing class in preparation for my master thesis. Maybe I'll pursue the creative writing thing later. I have no problems in a normal communication englsih, though of course there are times where I couldn't express myself because I don't know the right word or the translation for that.
One of my friend even asked me why I have limited knowledge in english vocabulary if I read a lot. I gave her a damned looked and said "It's not like I'm reading Shakespeare, Slyvia Plath or Edgar Allan Poe. I read a lot, but it's manga's. And in manga's they don't complicate things - they use simple english which I already know." I was pissed with that, and I was pissed at myself. I read manga's more than I read novels. Actually I think it reached to 100? Where the novels that I read are less than 50. That's why I'm gonna read a lot now and improve.

I found this one in facebook.
I was so obsessed in being perfect - in being the best. I am perfectionist in mind. Yes, in mind alone. I don't want to elaborate what I mean about perfectionist in mind alone since I couldn't explain it anymore clearer than what it is.
My own rival is myself. I am hard to please. I guessed you can say that my standards are freakin high. Well, that explains me being the "idealist". My friends also told me that my standards are high. I didn't believe them at first. Yes, ironically I didn't believe them until I realized that I was never satisfied with my work. I feel like there's still the best in me. And if I feel like I didn't give my best then it's not the best. I always want to do better. Better than me and well better than others. I guessed you can say that I am also quite competitive in mind. Yes, again - in mind. I am to idle to be competitive and to be the anxious perfectionist.


In relation with my last recent post. I know I told you that I was pleasing others. Don't worry, I won't take it back. I just have another realization and that is...
Pleasing others was also part of being competitive.
Well when it comes to arts you can say that I really based my perception of perfect in the way other receive it. But when it comes to academics and well other stuff, I am idealist in my own.
Because in academic you need to be precise. In art, well you know what they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". So that's why I think it bothers me on how will they see it, but then again I must still stay true to myself.

Now my question is.. is it a bad thing to have a high standard? or maybe I should just learn to appreciate others more. Oh! I appreciate their effort! Does it count? lol
Anyways, it seems like it's going nowhere so maybe I should just get back to my reading.

I just realized that you don't have to do everything perfectly. I mean, perfect in the sense of thinking how others will see it. I admit that most of the times I couldn't appreciate my work because I feel like others wont. I depend on others perception of perfect. I was pleasing them. It took me a while to realize that.

It sucks. And the truth sucks. I just realized that a couple of minutes ago when I was looking at my classmate artwork. It was not perfectly drawn, but it was perfectly beautiful. It was beautiful because she is proud, and her works speaks for her. To be honest I am envious of her. She's really cool and smart. She's a good writer, that's what I envy the most. If ever one day her works got published (I wish it could), I will definitely buy a copy of it!

Back to her art work. It was not something close to perfect (technique wise), but it was still beautiful. Then I asked myself, why I never appreciate my art? Why I never post it? That is because I am coward. I want to please them and it's stupid. I know that I am capable. I know I should not give them what they think they want. I should show them what I am and let them appreciate it. Let them love it or hate it. I shouldn't be afraid.

It was stupid of me. I thought I was wise enough, but then again I am blind. I was blinded with my own illusion. I was trying to hard. I was not being myself.

Come to think of it, most of the renowned artist in the world does things the way they want it. They don't really care that much on how others will perceive them. All did was expressed themselves and stay true. Edgar Allan Poe who always drink a lot. Sigmund Freud (yea he's not an artist), he faced a lot of controversy, but his psychoanalytic theory contributed a lot to the world of psychology. Even the great artiste, they don't give what people want from them. They do what they want and let the people judge them.

All the extraordinary people stay true to themselves. And I must do the same, we must all do it.

I want to break free. I don't want to be a prisoner of my own fear anymore. I should believe more in myself.

All about money, eh?

So a while ago, my mom asked me if it's hard to do an "baby thesis" and I was like "What? Baby thesis?". Then she told me its for a high schooler. Ah. I made one before when  was in high school. So I told that the me now will find it easy to make an "baby thesis" but of course the kid might find it difficult. Then she told me that one of her friend made one for the kid and the mother of that child paid her.
Then I was liked "What??? How can a child learn if she keeps doing that??" Then my annoying sister butted in and said "She needed the money eh".

I know I shouldn't judge her (my mom friend who made the baby thesis of someone else kid), she have her own thing. But to be honest, I don't think she needed a lot of money. Her kids are smart and 2 of them already graduated. Her husband is a head nurse. She only have one kid that is studying. So why do that? Why will you take away the chance for the child to actually learn and do all the work? I hate that. I hate it when people do things for other people for money. I hate it that your taking advantage of someone's weakness. I hate the fact that the mother of that child encourage that kind of shit behavior. Why study then? Why waste your freakin money if your not willing to learn?

But anyways, who am I to judge them?

Quick

I didn't realize that this blog became like a diary. Though, of course blog are meant for expression but I feel like I've been blogging a lot of non sense. I refuse to say that everything that I blog is a shit since it's not. But I've been reviewing some of my post and I feel like I didn't convey what I truly want.

Anyways, I've been thinking to post some pictures. I mean, I don't want this blog to be just plain as it is. I want to have a lot of readers, since it's title is "HEAR ME". Though, I'm quite proud of myself since I feel like I've been improving (I hope so).

I still have trouble customizing this blog. I used to be good at this css thing, but I forgot all about it since one of my famous excuses in not learning something is "Its not my job. I am a future psychologist. I don't want to steal other people's job" lol. A very lame excuse.

Anyways, I'll try to make this blog a cool blog. I've been blogging a lot so I guessed it's time to step it up. Who know's? Maybe this can get me into something.

Meant to be?

Hmm. Okay so, let me tell you a news. I don't know if it's a good one or not... Well, last week we had an argument to our thesis adviser. He got pissed at us for not following his "suggestion". Dumb ass. It's a suggestion we have the right to decided whether to follow it or not. Anyways, he doesn't want to handle us anymore and told us to look for another adviser or just dissolve the group. He even called our professor in charge with our class and told him to distribute us to the other groups. to be honest, I was quite happy about that! Nah. Let me change it, I am trilled about that! I hate working on something that I don't like. I am not a liar - that I proved that during this semester. Call me stubborn but I hate lying to others especially to myself, so I always express my views and opinions. Unfortunately our adviser didn't appreciate that. He probably thinks that we're arrogant, which we are sometimes - I guessed?

I hate conforming with wrong. I think I finally had the guts to say no and to express myself. For God sake, I'm on my senior year! I must at least be able to express myself. I am proud of that, but the same time I am worried. I am quite stubborn, like I literally fight for something I think is right and won't give up until you accept it or you'll give me one damned good reason - explanation why you are right. Sometimes, I even test that person if he/she can defend his/her point. Yes, I can be very very argumentative.  I tried to toned it down of course, but sometimes I couldn't help teasing them. I think maybe I adapt that behavior to one of my best bud. He likes questioning things and stubborn too. And it pissed me off! Like I hate talking to him. Lol - Now I adapt that stupid behavior of his. But now I get it why he does that.

Anyways, back to that adviser. So we tried to apologize, I don't want too but I have to stop being selfish and think about my other group mates as well. Then we (they) begged to him to accept us again and we promised to do "our" research in his on way. Shit! Whenever I think about that I still get pissed! So they did most of the talking  and I just I have to do the "sad" face. I hate lying! I hate saying things that I don't really mean. So I shut up. Their are lots of moment where I wanted to talk and argue with him since he's being sarcastic and stupid, but I hold back - again I have to think for my group mates. Their grades are at risk as well. But hell! My diploma is still hanging by the thread!

So they do all the sweet talking. They say things that they didn't mean. I don't blame them for that. If I were the same 2 years ago, I probably do the same but the thing is I changed.

SO we're back again with our adviser, and were doing "his" research, and he calls it "our" thesis. Fvck!

I actually prayed and begged to God to get rid of him as our thesis adviser, so I was actually positive about it since God has been nothing but nice to me. But this time, he didn't answer my prayers. Now, I'm thinking maybe He have greater plans for me? maybe that adviser and us are meant to be? lol

I don't know what future awaits for all of us, but I hope its a good one.

God, I'll leave it to you. I tried it, we already did our very best in defying that adviser, but it seems that you want us to stay with him. Maybe I will learn something from this.

I hope that you're still with me, that you're on my side - always.

And oh, sorry! Sorry God, please forgive me.

change for the better

I've been posting about my struggle in my academic life. Basically I am depressed, anxious, frustrated, struggling in my academic life. I reflected a lot about it, and to be honest it pre-occupies me more than I expected it to be.

I've been doing my internship in different institution. I spent less time in school, I just have to spend my 2 days per week in school and the rest is at the other institution. And that makes me lazy, I already have 2 absences in my major - research, and we're only allowed to have 3 absences so just one absent then I'm dead. Other than my absences, I'm always late. My professor already talked about it to me, and I told him I won't be late again but instead I'll absent. LOL

So other than my absences and late, my prelim and midterm exam was not good. I got a passing score, but it's C and it's not something to be proud of. I hate C but I must admit it's better than D. But I need at least B+, I know it's my fault for receiving C, since I'm always absent and I really review for exams, I didn't even bother to open the book, but I'm not used to it especially in research. It's not that hard so why the hell I got C? Well, because I'm too lazy.

So now that I am to blamed for in what's happening in my academic life, I decided to bring back the drive that i lost.

Starting next week, I'll start over again. I won't be late, I'll do things on time and meet the deadlines (I just hope that it's not too late! >_<), I get back to my diet and healthy living! I'll save money, I won't buy anything that I don't need, I won't eat extravagantly. 

So, starting next week I'll be a good student. I don't wanna waste my parents money, I'm feeling guilty about it now.