Anxiety

When anxiety strikes…

I guessed you get really anxious when you are struggling with life at the same time feel guilty about it. I’m in the midst of being hopeless, I am not sure if God is with me or maybe I am not sure if this is what he wants for me. Do we want the same thing? Or is it just me? I know what he plans for me is better, but I still can’t stay calm about it. I can’t accept my failure. It’s hard for me to accept that what I envision myself into is not what God wants for me, that he has greater plans. To be honest I am in doubt, in doubt of my own future. I don’t know if these are just challenges that I must face in order to achieve my dreams, or is it a sign that this is not for me? I want to know soon. Because if these are just a challenges then I am more than happy to face it and to win it, but if it’s a sign, then please God help me – help me accept that you have greater plans for me. I trust you; it’s just that I am too arrogant – stubborn. I feel guilty for that, I feel guilty for a lot of things. For being irresponsible, for being mean, for being cruel, for being inconsiderate. I’m sorry.

I’m too weak, aren’t I? 

I want to get out

I want to get out of this house! I am freakin sick with all the nagging! I am freakin sick with all the bullshit! I am freakin sick of all the drama's! I am going crazy and probably soon I'll be gone mad!

I am a house person, to be honest I rather spend my friday night at home. But this house doesn't feel home anymore. Everything change, well it got worst. Before I really didn't get it why people when they got old they live separate from their parents house. Isn't more convenient to live with them?? Now I realize why. Now I am actually considering or should I say wanting to leave this house, but of course I can't do that, not yet. I am still in college, I still need my family's money. And even after college things will be more difficult since I'm planning to take up my masters and they told me that they won't give me money for that, so I have to save money for my education. I am not so smart so academic scholarship can be quite difficult, I don't know where can I get a grant in this country. I am not that smart to apply for scholarship in other country but I am still hoping that I will be able to get one.

Ugly

I'm feeling ugly and I probably look a lot uglier than what I feel. It sucks. This kind of feeling sucks. I hate this. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate taking pictures. I am UGLY.

I restrain myself from doing a lot fun activities because of my ugliness. No one really bullied me for this ugliness, no one really said that I'm ugly - well except with my family which I didn't care since I don't expect a lot from them.

Okay, so I always felt ugly but everything changed when I was in high school. I felt a lot prettier in high school. I can say that I was one of the popular girls in my batch but it was not just because of my appearance but also because of my personality. When I was at my senior year I experience a major breakdown - I suffered from self-esteem issue. I quit my sports. We had financial problems (probably still do) since my father lost his job and my mom too. My friends betrayed me, my heart was kinda broked. I was just a total mess. I isolated myself.


Then I started to have acne breakouts. And yes, I popped it and I regret that. Though, I still do popped it. And also I squeezed my blackheads. Yes, I know it's starting to sound so disgusting so I'll stop.
Anyways, I still do have A LOT of pimples though I would say my rosacea (which I self diagnose) worsen it, since even though it's just blemishes it freakin looked like a pimple!

Last month, finally after freakin almost 6 years of suffering from pimples my mom decided to let me see a dermatologist. Well, at first the product worsen it but eventually I saw the improvement, unfortunately I still do squeeze my blackheads and it will turn into pimple/acne so yea, it's my fault why I still do have lot of pimples. But I will try not touch my face again. I must so the products that my dermatologist gave me will finally work. Though before-during-after my period acne's started to appear though it's not that worst, just very uncomfortable. I could popped it since it hurts like hell. It took awhile before it disappear which means I only have few days of feeling beautiful since before my period acne will appear again.



I know this unhealthy lifestyle of mine is the main reason of my ugliness, if I just have this perfect skin face then that will be enough. I know I'm not that ugly, but because of my pimples I am ugly. My youngest sister will always tell me that I am beautiful if not just with the pimple. Also my brother told me that I was beautiful. Yea - was. Aren't they nice? lol


Anyways, I promise not to do anything about my face. No more touching pimples! I got some acne scars and some not so deep holes due to my stupidity.  I have large pores. My skin face looked much older for my age. Oh I just look so ugly. But I still have some hope since, it's the new world - full of technology. I hope I can regain my beauty. Oh please! I want to offer the best me for "the one".



I want to look pretty before I graduate please! I need to be pretty so I can regain my self-confidence again and of course to get a job easily.

Identity Crisis

Okay, so it's not what you think. I am having an identity crisis, I want to call it a midlife crisis but I realize that I still fall into the young adulthood side. So I am struggling now with my career. Just a few months ago, i realize what I want and I've been setting my goals and really high. Unfortunately, due to some unwanted turn of of events I feel like those goals that I set can become really impossible. I want to take up my masters in Harvard I know that it's close to impossible but I know nothing is impossible. I know, if it's really for me God will give it to be. So I've been making some plans for the Harvard thing. I am not sure if my GPA can make it but there's an extension school so maybe just maybe if they see potential I can make it through. Money also makes it sound more impossible but there's a grant and I hope my relatives can helped me too. So everything has been lighting up, if I can make it to Harvard that's fine as long as I will give my best and try. I also have some options here at my country, there's this one of the best schools in the country and probably the best among them. It's also hard but I know I can make it if I can have the best thesis now in my undergrad degree...

But now, it can really be impossible since that unfortunate turn of events the thesis title that we want was not approve by the dean. And he gave us a topic that has been over studied. I guessed he really doesn't read any journals about it. We did our best to fight for what we want but guessed what we lost of course since he's the freakin dean!


Now I am thinking, is this career that I want and currently pursuing is what God wants for me?? I know I want this. I want it so bad, and I am afraid that this might not what God want for me... I know I should trust him, after all everything went well in his way.


P.S I hope this is just another obstacle that I need to surpass that everything will fall into it's right places.

Who's real, who's not?

I've been wondering who's real and who's not. I have a lot of friends who only contacted me when they need something. I used to be a Hero, who's always on the go, who's willingly ready to be used by my so called friends. I called myself a Hero because like a hero I rescue them at their darkest moment than fly away after that saving. I used to like what I do, I used to be okay with that... until I finally got tired. I got tired being a super friend.

It took awhile for me to be not the super friend, though sometimes I was willingly ready to be used. I can't help it. I know how fake they are. I know that they talked behind my back. It's not me over thinking or being too suspicious but I really do feel that they're talking behind my back. I'm good at reading people, I am too sensitive not to see their true identity.

Like what I said I've been wondering who's fake and who's not, then I realize I become one of the fake one's. Because I got fucking tired of being nice,  turned out to be like them - who uses other people, who will contact a friend when I need something. Though, I don't apply it to everyone, I just apply it to my user friends. Still it's not right.

Now, I don't care that much. I'll used them the way they used me, after all we're all users. I'll cherish those who have been real to be and well be nice to those who have been faking since then.