Wounded child

She was a girl who's been feeling ugly most time of her life. She wouldn't believed when other praise her. Ah. Fake, they're just telling that to make me feel better. They're making fun of me. That's what she thinks whenever someone praised her. She has a low self-confidence, probably because she was emotionally and physically abuse. She couldn't actually reveal that she was abuse, she's not even sure if other will see it as abuse. All she knows that it hurts - until now it hurts she murmurer. It badly hurt her, it scar her. She protect those people who abuse her, afraid what other might say. She embarrassed that she was abuse. She got use to the pain, she become tough - at least that was she thought. But she's not, she's so vulnerable, vulnerable in madness. Her early childhood experience affected her great deal, it molds her. She embraced the pain and loneliness, she thought it was her friend - they were her friend. They accompany her all through out her life, they never live her.

One day she woke up, tired of embracing sorrow so she decided to leave them behind and tried to find happiness and she did. She found a short lived happiness, again it brought her pain - but this time her pain doesn't seem to hurt her badly. It actually made her wiser but evilness knocked on her. She tried not to open it, she locked the evilness in her pandora box. She tried to fight it, resist it. But because of her painful experience she invited them. I am evil she thought. But then evilness brought her more pain, she also brought pain and misery to others. She did what she swear she wouldn't do, she did what was done to her. It took a while for her to realize that, she realize it after she saw the same eyes she had to that child. Full anger, the child is mad. She did that to him. She brought evilness to the child. She burst into tears and asked God for forgiveness, she begged to God not to let that child be like her. She pleaded to God not to make the kid evil. She regretted that the most. She was like them - those who hurt her, those who wounder her. The least thing she wants to be is to be like them. She's agitated. She doesn't know what to do. She's afraid that that child will be like her. She tried to change. It was a constant battle for her. Fighting her own evilness. She fought hard, she succeeded sometimes.

She's still trying her best, though it still hunts her down. Every month she experience agony. She's afraid. She's afraid of the punishment. She fear herself, afraid of what she's capable of. She knows in just one snapped... She hates seeing herself in the mirror, she feared her evil eyes. I'm ugly she thought. She feared ugliness, she wasn't ugly as she think she is. She's actually very pretty, but she felt ill.

One day, she realize that she's not that ugly, she was beautiful... but she realized it after she saw the worst. She really gotten ugly. She regretted that she didn't appreciate her beauty before. She gotten worse, she withdrawn form the world. She hated herself again. But she has has something very precious to her... Her beautiful dark brown long thick shinning hair. It's a natural beauty, she's proud of it, she loves her hair. I at least have something beautiful with me she thought. But then one day she realized her precious hair were starting to thin, she panicked. She felt as if she lost half of her hair. And now, she's miserable. Her anxiety wins. She doesn't know what to do... She's hopeless. Once again she begged to God, not to take her hair. She begged for health, not wealth but health. She's hoping that God will hear her prayers....