I pitied myself.

I know the worst thing you could ever feel for yourself is pity and I think I just did feel that. This past few weeks before the holiday starts, I've been feeling lonely and I don't know why. I think I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), I'm pretty sure I am suffering form that again. It's hard feeling down for no apparent reason or maybe I did know the reason? Maybe I was losing confidence again, maybe I am over thinking a lot again. My insecurities is dragging me down. I am feeling ugly and stupid. I always feel that I was ugly and stupid, I probably grew up thinking like that. Though, as I grew up I trying to fight that insecurities, I tried to be happy and look cheerful as much as possible and at some point of my life I did feel pretty and quite smart. And to be honest I also become so arrogant ( the down fall of being smart).

Back to my MDD, though I just did a self diagnosis - I am doing what I usually do read novels and watched movies. Even though I'm doing the normal things that I've been doing, something was off. I didn't do the important stuff; my research, my demo. I was slacking off, though before I was really motivated to do it. To be the best, to give the best! But for some reason I lose all the confidence and the drive wasn't there any more. It's sad. It's sad that I am losing to my own battle. I know I have the capacity to fight with it, but I was down - I am depressed.

I worried a lot of things in life. I worried a lot about my future. I am an idealist, I am trap in my own ideal world and that isn't healthy. It drags me down and it's one of the reason why I pitied myself. I am aware that "that" ideal world is not possible. But I am still hoping. Usually, the hope makes you feel alive, it usually makes you strong but now I find that hope as a sign of impossible. Because I know it's impossible, I hope. To be honest, it hard saying it's impossible because I know God can make everything possible but for this certain time it feels impossible. I am hopeless in my own hope. I am dying inside, not the dying pain though... or I guessed I am feeling dead. The word "dying" for me is much better than the word "dead" because if you feel dead your "numb", numb in the sense of not wanting to do anything. In dying there's still the sensibleness. 

I just want to get over this, I know I can get over this... The real question is how long will I be this idle? When will I get over this? I hope I could get over this soon - I need too! I need my life back.

Oh Lord, I am lost again. I need you, I need your help. You are the only one who can raised me up. Save me, save me from my own evilness. Save form my insecurities. Save me form my arrogance. Please My Lord, oh God. I am sorry for not saying sorry. I am sorry for I have always hurt you. I am sorry because I know I could still break your heart. I am sorry for doubting, I am sorry for cursing. I am sorry for my evilness. I am sorry because I am still in the process of understanding .. but I do know that I'll get there. I don't know how long will it took for me to have stable belief, but I know I will get there. Right now, all I can offer you is my surrender. I won't promise that I wont asked again because I know I'll raised more questions but I expect you to answer as you always did. Now, please help me get back again just what you always do for me - to us. My loving God, I know you know what my my heart desires. Please. Please. Please.