theidealistme.blogspot.com

Please kindly visit my other blog http://theidealistme.blogspot.com/ - Well, it's a blog that supposed to be for my made up story but a while ago I decided to post there anything that's about love. SO basically, this blog will be for my random feelings and the other one is exclusively for love.

It seems to be weird when the url of this blog is more appropriate for the love thing and other one is for more weird one. But I can't really do anything about it.


P.S can you give any comments? I mean reactions? Nice one or not I still care, I just want to know if someone actually listens.

Teaching experience

So part of my training is to teach some college students. The topic that I taught them was actually easy, but I wanted to make an impact. I got 6 classes.

So here how it goes:

First class:

I was really really nervous. I am not sure what to do, and if I can handle them. So I introduce myself and I tried to intimidate them and it kinda actually works. They listen to me and well participate. I did an ice breaker though I was not satisfied with it since I want to play something fun but my resources was limited and I forgot to buy a white board marker.

I taught them about the fortitude, excellence and uprightness. After that I asked them to make a role play that shows those 3 values and they did. Then I asked some of them to explain to see if they really get it. Then I gave a survey to some random students.

All in all, my first class was fine. I did fine, not good but fine (fair). I don't feel that I make an impact. After that I read some of the comments of the student and they are sweet especially that naughty kid. Well, I guessed the sweetest students are the naught ones.

Second class:

This was I did better. They are very active or should I say hyper. So like what I did in my first class, we did an ice breaker then I discuss the values. But before i discuss that I asked them if they have any idea what are those (their meanings). And in this one I must admit - I did proved that teachers (like me) actually do learn from their students! Some of them gave a very good definition of those 3 value. Actually better than I think and expected. And those definition that they gave me, I actually used that on  my remaining classes.

I did asked them to count of and I call them by their numbers.

After the discussion I asked them to choose at least one of the values that they want to improve, and why. They are 42 in the class, I let them express themselves. I make sure that everyone will share so one by one I asked them. Some of course cannot think of any or feel embarrassed but I didn't give up, and I waited until they come up of something. I didn't move on to the next student until the other one wasn't done. Actually that technique is the combination of the techniques of my 2 professor. One of my professor let's name her M1 will asked us one by one a question to see if they understand it. She's a bit technical since most of her subjects are well technical . The other one is M2, she'll call random student and asked about their idea, actually this one make sure that at the end of the day we do have some realizations.

M1 actually gave me some tips in teaching since she observed before when I got to teach in one of her class that I usually sit when I teach because it's too tiring. She said that in order for the students to feel that I actually do care in what I say it's important to walked and to walked closer to students which I did.

After letting them express their reflection it feels great! Wow. They have that kind of thought. I now realize how creative a person can be. It's very important to hear everyone out. And that's how M2 influenced me. When she become my professor since she'll always let us express our ideas, I become more confident. I learn best in expressing. That's why I also want them to express themselves so they can learn from it and gain confidence.

And I read of their comments and it was sweet also.

Also, when they share something sometimes I added some input to it and relate it to life, so they will that their answer or their views are good.

Third class:

I did the same, though they have few ideas I have to squeeze them just to think of an idea. And also I let them express themselves.

I read some of their comments and it was also nice and sweet.

Fourth class:

It was fine too. I did the same thing but this one is kinda hard to handle since they're kinda noisy. There comments were sweet also.

Fifth class:

This one is really fun since I got let them play 2 games. Since one of the student has a lot of white board marker. So I can see that they really had fun, though it was time consuming.

Like what I did in my previous class, I asked them to count of then I call them by number and asked for their ideas. And it's actually quite surprising that those students who's naught and loud and well who doesn't see themselves as smart were actually the one who gave good input or ideas. They will just randomly shout the answer that they felt so wrong but it was actually right. And of course I praised them for that and I think they felt happy about it.

Then I read some of their comments and it's really nice and sweet (yes, that's all I can say) though of course some of the few random student doesn't put any comment even in my previous classes. I did appreciate those who put sweet comments and that they actually learn or realize something.

Sixth class:

This one, I don't know what happen but I don't have the energy for it. The gave here is kinda boring not because of the student but it's because of me. I had few mistakes. Though I think I was able to discuss the values pretty well. And I just did what are the normal things that I do in my previous class.

There comments were also nice, but I think we didn't share an attachment compare to my previous class.but all in all for me it's kinda good.

So that is my teaching experience it was fun. And I learn a lot from it at the same time I was able to apply what I learned form my professor. It feels so great, but yes it was tiring. :)

Oh Lord, My loving God thank you

Actually I wanted to start this paragraph like this "Once in a while we feel hopeless, sad... down" but I figured out that probably most of us didn't just felt that once in a while but more like "every once in a while" -  does it make any sense? Lol

Anyways, last night I feel so down and now I am better, though I still have one thing to worry about. I felt devastated last night, I was numb. I hadn't have enough sleep for two days, so this morning I decided to be calm and just relax. I know that because I haven't have any sleep for 2 days, little things will irritate me. So I decided to play nice, and I'm glad my sibling and my parents cooperated and didn't do things that might irritate me. Though I was nice this whole morning, when I go to school my energy was off. Of course, I have no energy that's why I didn't attend my last class. I need sleep. But still here I am writing to this blog, but I really want to share my feelings, I want to express my thanks to god through this blog.

God knows that I've been troubled by something, it troubled me to the point it makes me anxious and cry. I begged for him and like always he listen and he gave me what I want. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve His kindness but the again i want His kindness that's why maybe, I want to think that I deserve it.

Later this afternoon, I feel relived. God answered my prayers, God took care of me. He listened! I guessed God really does have His own way, though I must say His own way is kinda scary at first. The whole point is, just trust him.

Thank you my loving Lord. Oh God, thank you! I love you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And I'm sorry for the worrisome.

Yours truly,

Sola

Wounded child

She was a girl who's been feeling ugly most time of her life. She wouldn't believed when other praise her. Ah. Fake, they're just telling that to make me feel better. They're making fun of me. That's what she thinks whenever someone praised her. She has a low self-confidence, probably because she was emotionally and physically abuse. She couldn't actually reveal that she was abuse, she's not even sure if other will see it as abuse. All she knows that it hurts - until now it hurts she murmurer. It badly hurt her, it scar her. She protect those people who abuse her, afraid what other might say. She embarrassed that she was abuse. She got use to the pain, she become tough - at least that was she thought. But she's not, she's so vulnerable, vulnerable in madness. Her early childhood experience affected her great deal, it molds her. She embraced the pain and loneliness, she thought it was her friend - they were her friend. They accompany her all through out her life, they never live her.

One day she woke up, tired of embracing sorrow so she decided to leave them behind and tried to find happiness and she did. She found a short lived happiness, again it brought her pain - but this time her pain doesn't seem to hurt her badly. It actually made her wiser but evilness knocked on her. She tried not to open it, she locked the evilness in her pandora box. She tried to fight it, resist it. But because of her painful experience she invited them. I am evil she thought. But then evilness brought her more pain, she also brought pain and misery to others. She did what she swear she wouldn't do, she did what was done to her. It took a while for her to realize that, she realize it after she saw the same eyes she had to that child. Full anger, the child is mad. She did that to him. She brought evilness to the child. She burst into tears and asked God for forgiveness, she begged to God not to let that child be like her. She pleaded to God not to make the kid evil. She regretted that the most. She was like them - those who hurt her, those who wounder her. The least thing she wants to be is to be like them. She's agitated. She doesn't know what to do. She's afraid that that child will be like her. She tried to change. It was a constant battle for her. Fighting her own evilness. She fought hard, she succeeded sometimes.

She's still trying her best, though it still hunts her down. Every month she experience agony. She's afraid. She's afraid of the punishment. She fear herself, afraid of what she's capable of. She knows in just one snapped... She hates seeing herself in the mirror, she feared her evil eyes. I'm ugly she thought. She feared ugliness, she wasn't ugly as she think she is. She's actually very pretty, but she felt ill.

One day, she realize that she's not that ugly, she was beautiful... but she realized it after she saw the worst. She really gotten ugly. She regretted that she didn't appreciate her beauty before. She gotten worse, she withdrawn form the world. She hated herself again. But she has has something very precious to her... Her beautiful dark brown long thick shinning hair. It's a natural beauty, she's proud of it, she loves her hair. I at least have something beautiful with me she thought. But then one day she realized her precious hair were starting to thin, she panicked. She felt as if she lost half of her hair. And now, she's miserable. Her anxiety wins. She doesn't know what to do... She's hopeless. Once again she begged to God, not to take her hair. She begged for health, not wealth but health. She's hoping that God will hear her prayers....

I pitied myself.

I know the worst thing you could ever feel for yourself is pity and I think I just did feel that. This past few weeks before the holiday starts, I've been feeling lonely and I don't know why. I think I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), I'm pretty sure I am suffering form that again. It's hard feeling down for no apparent reason or maybe I did know the reason? Maybe I was losing confidence again, maybe I am over thinking a lot again. My insecurities is dragging me down. I am feeling ugly and stupid. I always feel that I was ugly and stupid, I probably grew up thinking like that. Though, as I grew up I trying to fight that insecurities, I tried to be happy and look cheerful as much as possible and at some point of my life I did feel pretty and quite smart. And to be honest I also become so arrogant ( the down fall of being smart).

Back to my MDD, though I just did a self diagnosis - I am doing what I usually do read novels and watched movies. Even though I'm doing the normal things that I've been doing, something was off. I didn't do the important stuff; my research, my demo. I was slacking off, though before I was really motivated to do it. To be the best, to give the best! But for some reason I lose all the confidence and the drive wasn't there any more. It's sad. It's sad that I am losing to my own battle. I know I have the capacity to fight with it, but I was down - I am depressed.

I worried a lot of things in life. I worried a lot about my future. I am an idealist, I am trap in my own ideal world and that isn't healthy. It drags me down and it's one of the reason why I pitied myself. I am aware that "that" ideal world is not possible. But I am still hoping. Usually, the hope makes you feel alive, it usually makes you strong but now I find that hope as a sign of impossible. Because I know it's impossible, I hope. To be honest, it hard saying it's impossible because I know God can make everything possible but for this certain time it feels impossible. I am hopeless in my own hope. I am dying inside, not the dying pain though... or I guessed I am feeling dead. The word "dying" for me is much better than the word "dead" because if you feel dead your "numb", numb in the sense of not wanting to do anything. In dying there's still the sensibleness. 

I just want to get over this, I know I can get over this... The real question is how long will I be this idle? When will I get over this? I hope I could get over this soon - I need too! I need my life back.

Oh Lord, I am lost again. I need you, I need your help. You are the only one who can raised me up. Save me, save me from my own evilness. Save form my insecurities. Save me form my arrogance. Please My Lord, oh God. I am sorry for not saying sorry. I am sorry for I have always hurt you. I am sorry because I know I could still break your heart. I am sorry for doubting, I am sorry for cursing. I am sorry for my evilness. I am sorry because I am still in the process of understanding .. but I do know that I'll get there. I don't know how long will it took for me to have stable belief, but I know I will get there. Right now, all I can offer you is my surrender. I won't promise that I wont asked again because I know I'll raised more questions but I expect you to answer as you always did. Now, please help me get back again just what you always do for me - to us. My loving God, I know you know what my my heart desires. Please. Please. Please.