Torn

I am TORN. Not between two lovers, though (I wish!).

I am torn between flying away, meaning I could save my sanity and just start a fresh new life but flying away means that I have to put hold on to my dreams. If I stay, then I have live my everyday life in chaos with a constant stress which wouldn't help me in achieving my dreams.

I have this acting out tendencies. I tend to oppose in whatever my family want for me. They want me to go abroad because of the money, of course! A part of me want it too... I want to get out of this place... I want to start fresh. Now that I'm about to graduate, I think that is what I really need. But if I go abroad that means that I have to put on hold of my dream being a psychologist. Of course, if I go to first world countries my degree wouldn't matter. I am from a third world country so they will think that my education doesn't have the same quality. I must admit, I do agree with that. The knowledge that I have is limited.
If I'm going to stay here, that means that I have to live my everyday life with their constant nagging, bullshit and just severe stress. If I'm going to live away from home (just away not abroad. lol) - if I'm going to be independent... well, that can be financially draining. I have to pay for the rent, electricity, water, internet, food... oh just tons of bills. Living with my parents can save me some gran, but of course I have to give them something to make them shut up. I have to save money for my grad school, and my goal is to save at least half a million within 2 years. lol - Yes, it sound so impossible but I believe everything is possible.


*sigh* But now that I'm thinking about it... I think the first goal is to save my sanity, so yes - I choose to fly away, but then there's no opportunity -yet. If my relatives abroad will ask me again to go there, then I will accept it. Forget about the pride! Just save my sanity. Of course, I have to work here, gain experience... and just ready myself for the bigger world. Oh.. I kinda feel excited by the thought of me flying away. Not running away, flying away! :)

Now what?

I'm about to graduate... so in just 1 week, I will face the 'real world'. I didn't realize that the processed of getting in the real world can be tough as well.

Anyways, I've been job searching online. And it's damn hard. I check out almost all of the hospitals and clinics within the metro, but all doesn't have any vacancies. It sucks. I don't want to work in a Human Resource Department. My internship in industrial psychology is awful. I didn't enjoy it at all. So I realize, that office thing is not for me. I prefer to work in a psychiatric facilities; interacting with the patients. I can also work as a teacher. I think I have a ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), I can't do the same thing for a long time. So yes, that's the main reason why I hate working as an HR because they just do the same thing over and over again. Yes, working in clinics and hospitals have their routines too but at least you get to interact to you patients and learn from the whole experience. Trust me working in a psychiatric facilities has full of surprises.

So yea, like always I am pretty lose again. -___- What should I do?? Well, I know what should I do, it just that I feel like there's no opportunities. Oh! Opportunities can cost a lot. Nothing is free in the world anymore. I want to work in clinical setting, but all of them wants applicants with experience. Fuck it. How will I gain a experience if they won't give me one?? Most of them wants applicants that also has their masters or at least enrolled in one, how can I enroll to a graduate school if I don't freakin have money to pay for the tuition fees??? Damn it!

Okay. I will stop complaining since it won't change anything.  I just hope that someone will give me a opportunity to work with them! :)

Not so typical "girl"

LADY OF MY OWN

You see, I'm not your typical girl.
I don't belong to that "every girl" thing.
I am not the woman of your dreams.
I am a woman; a lady of my own.
I am not as plain as you think.
I have colors in every bits of me.
But it seems that you're a color blind.
I am a woman of my own.
I am not born to please every man.
I am a woman who stands for my own femininity.
You thought I like that "every girl" thing but I don't.
Don't treat me the way you treat your typical girl.
Don't give me what you thought "every girl" wants
Because again, I am not your every girl.
I am different from the rest of them and so are they.
I don't wear those flashy pink colors.
I don't wear those dangling earnings.
I don't wear those sexy shoes.
I don't put paint on my face.
I don't wear perfumes.
I don't wear those designers undergarments.
I don't need those to make me a woman.
I am a woman of my own.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate it.
I just don't find it all comfortable.

Frustrated.

I am FRUSTRATED. I feel like everything is a mess! Things won't work on my way. My plans doesn't go the way I wanted it. Okay, it's not like I'm a control freak - in fact, I am not. But lately (well not lately), since last semester things won't just be the way I wanted it. I started the semester with the great plans on my head. for the first time, in my actual life I actually did plan something, and in the end it didn't go well. Before, even though there are bad times, where things won't work the way I wished for it, still things go quite smoothly. Now, everything seems a battle. Like in every step of the way there's hindrances.

Like in the first half of my last semester, our thesis proposal didn't go well. We revised EVERYTHING! We ended up having a thesis we don't love, and that we actually have to love over time. We had constant battle with the DEAN of our college. My exams, if not failed I only got enough passing score (which is of course, my fault). My internship in one of the best institution (I think) got postponed a lot of times. So I ended up, having to wait for  like 5 months for me to have a slot there! Then when I actually "thought" that I already have the slot because I did apply and they said YES, that they'll just call me and I can start in next month. So I was waiting for their message but doesn't received anything a week or two before the month I supposed to start. then, I actually decided call and asked when can I actually start my internship. Then they asked me if I give them my resume! And I was like of course! I did passed that to you! I wouldn't apply here without one??!! I simply just said yes, then they told me to come back next month and I can start right away!!! DAMN THAT! Like, really? I waited for that internship and now you're telling me to wait again????! I did a lot of waiting, my schedule was all ruined because of that wasted waiting for that "dream" internship!

So I decided to look for another company/institution, because I have to finish my 200 hrs. of internship within this month because next month I have to focus in our thesis if I want to graduate on time.

My diploma is hanging on a thread! Our thesis is not progressing fast enough. I still have problems that maybe the dean won't sign our endorsement for the other company since it's pretty late now.

If I'm gonna meet him, I must update him regarding our thesis because apparently he's our thesis adviser.

Anyways, pray for me guys! I want to graduate on time not just for me but for my parents. I think they deserve to see me on stage getting my diploma. They did most of the hard work you know.

PLEASE LORD, OUR GOD. PLEASE?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Since The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie was so great I decided to write a review about it, or should I say realization about or just simply a reflection.

I like the movie way better than the book, maybe because I didn't finished the book. It was boring and I am too busy last semester so I decided that I won't finished it and decided to return it to my classmate who lend me the book.

The movie was funny until you come into the end. Not that, it's full of drama, it's just whenever I watch an awesome movie I always cry at the end - what ever genre is that as long as I find it great.
I won't call it a sad movie since Charlie said that his story is not a sad story anymore - that it's alive. Since I didn't finish the book, though I only have few pages left - I didn't know what his Aunt Hellen did to him. It was a shock of me and I feel so stupid for not finishing the book. I regret that! I wished I finished it!

So I love the ending, like what I've said, it made me cry. I love the movies that made me cry at the end. It was a great movie and I salute Stephen Chbosky for that, since he's the director and the screen writer plus the book writer. Though, I didn't appreciate the book as much as I appreciate the movie, it inspire me to write and to be a sensible person.

This story is really amazing! Since I lack english vocabulary, I couldn't express my feelings more than the word "amazing". It was amazing movie, not the molested part thing, even though it was not clearly stated. A part of me wish that I didn't know that, since Charlie regarded his Aunt Hellen as his "FAVORITE" person. Also, part of me was glad to know that since I now get a clear picture of why he needed to be hospitalized over something that I thought wasn't that traumatic. In the ending it shows that everything happens from our past has a impact to our future - yes, it sounds like a true Freudian.

This movie inspired me to be alive, to write, to cherish every moment, to be the best that I can be, and to be INFINITE! I wanna go out there and have fun. I want to dance like mad, sing like hell, and drink like a every single drop counts. I want to experience life in the fullest! I wanna live my life! I want to do great things!

I want a new life, and be the person I am. I want to let out the real me who has been restrain with the reality. I've been hiding myself a lot, I want to have the opportunity to go and reveal myself. I want to meet new people. I want to go in a different place, far away from here. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I want to experience every rush of the moment. I want to feel the coldness of the night. I want to feel the warmth of the sun. I want to dance with the dangling light. I want to sing along with the wind. I want to jump of the cliff and never die. I want to experience the whole me. I want to drowned myself with happiness. I want to see the world with me on it. I want to be in the world where I belong. I don't want to be idle anymore. I want to go out and have fun! I want to feel the earth. I want to feel alive. I want my dreams and reality to collide.

I want all of those. I live for those. For now, I am waiting to have the opportunity and a luxury to do it.


Wait for me Life, I'll come and get you!

A letter for Paulo Coelho

Dear Mr. Paulo Coelho,

I don't know if you'll ever find this blog and read my letter to you, given the fact that my chance of you reading this like 10% only I am still willing to express my admiration for you.

I am currently reading Aleph, and once again you touched my entire humanity. You open my heart, mind and soul. You never fail in reaching my heart through your works. You never fail in bringing back my faith. Because of your works I regain my faith. I feel like a new born.

I wouldn't pretend that I read all of your works, because I only read and finished only 4 of it; 11 minutes, The Alchemist, Veronica decided to die, and By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept. With only those 4 writing, you touched my soul - you renew my soul. In every writing of yours that I had read, I always have this realization. The world seems so bright after reading your works. It bring me closer to God.

I don't want to pretend nor to assume that I have the full knowledge of your religious and spiritual belief but let me tell you that whatever religion you belong too - I am not offended by it. Normally, I will put down a book because the writer talks about their religious beliefs which obviously I don't believe in.

When I was 16, I was in the edge of falling to my own hell. I was in danger of not believing that God exist. I was ready to give up, I was ready to be an Atheist. But through God I found your work and through your work I found my own faith. I found my God - my God because we form our own concept of God. I am aware that we all do have one God, it's just that we have different concepts which is part of our search of Him.

It's amazing how God blessed you. I want to call you one of my hero's for saving my faith.

Right now, I am perfectly happy with my spiritual life. I don't belong to any religious group anymore and I think it suits me best. I read bible on my own terms. I want to understand it with on my own. I want to have my own interpretation of it, besides life will tell if what I interpreted was right or wrong.
Now I find myself talking to God more than I did years ago (when I haven't read any of your works).

I want to thank you! Thank you for using your gift and sharing it with us. Thank you for bringing back my faith. I don't know how to say it less iconic but through your works I found my way to faith and God. Your words in your writing seems perfectly answer my questions that wasn't yet answered. Thank you for letting me understand my spiritual being. Don't worry, I don't see you as God (I am against to that kind of iconic thing). I just see your work as another instrument for the lost individual like me (the old me) - who was once resisted God.
I hope you''l continue writing. You don't just inspire me, you make me believe. Continue to use your gift from God.


Yours truly,
Sola Meadow

Finding your place in the world

As I was watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the word "good at" suddenly pops out to my mind. Most of the people who I find cool or admire have something they're good at. They have their own "forte", which makes me question mine. To be honest I still don't know what is my forte. I still don't know where am I good at. I know I have the "potential" to do this and that, but "potential" is not enough.
I don't have the talent, maybe that's the problem. I really can't say that I believe that we all do have a talent and we just got to find it - since I don't know and I believe that I don't have one. I know everyone can acquire the skills, but sometimes skills alone is not good enough. It sucks when your knowledge, skills or even your talent is not enough. But when was anything has been enough? When can you actually tell that it is enough? What is enough truly means? I guessed nothing can really be enough if we're talking about ourselves. It takes a verification from others views of you to believe that you are enough. That you've done pretty well.

I envy those people who can talk freely, happy and proud to their own forte or to their own likes. Others are good at music, writing, math, histories, art... It seems like they already find their place in the world. I know compare to other people whom I personally know - that I am way better - that I am in the processed of getting there. I don't want to make it sound like an arrogant person who thinks highly of herself, but it's the truth. Most of the people around me who's also around my age, seems so lost. Most of them just want a practical life and yet luxurious life (living in luxury w/o purpose). Maybe that's one the reasons why I thought I already found my place in the world...
Then I watched this incredible people who I'm not really sure if they do exist. People who already find its place in the world. People who knows exactly where they should be and that they are sure with that.
I want to find my place in the world. I want to find a place where I know I belong, not just because that's where I thought I should belong. I also want to find the feeling of belongingness - that I am not just there because I want too - that I'm there because it's my place. But I know the only place I could find where I truly belong is within myself. I have to know myself more, not because I don't know myself (I know myself better than anyone else). I just think that knowing yourself is a continuous process. As long as we breath, we discover something new from ourselves. I think that's the thrill in life. Exceeding your potential, discovering more about yourself, finding where you truly belong, trying different things - just the entire adventure of life. Life is full of self discovery; while discovering the world and the people in it you also discover yourself.

P.S

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is really a funny - GREAT movie. I read the book last semester, I find the book quite boring, though, it has some interesting thoughts. To be honest, it has a lot of sense. It's just that I don't like it when the author makes it sound that Charlie have this mature thinking, but for me Charlie's thinking is just appropriate for his age it's just that most of the kid around him are just immature. Oh well, maybe most the kids in USA are like that or maybe west kids are really quite different - or we are all different.

Currently reading

I am currently reading Atonement by Ian McEwan. I fell in love with the movie that's why I decided to read the novel. It's my first McEwan novel.

There is actually one more reason why I decided to read it (beside I feel in love with the movie & to James McAvoy). I want to read it because I want to get out of my comfort zone. I feel like I haven't read any "actual novel" besides Paulo Coelho's novels. I want something where I can learn something. Something that just not fill my imagination but also contribute to it.

To be honest, I haven't read any Shakespeare or Slyvia Plath works. Though I read one of Edgar Allan Poe works, which I forgot eventually. I am not a true bookworm or a novel/poems lover. I am not even a fan of those.

I started reading novel when I was in my senior year in high school, and guessed what? It's Twilight Saga. I just read it by accident. I saw our class president reading it, then I asked her if I can see it. Then I check out the cover page then the back, then the acknowledgement, and then the chapter 1 - and I couldn't put it down anymore. I think I spent the rest of my senior year reading Twilight Saga. Since my parents won't buy me that, I have to borrowed from our class president and to the guy two years younger than us. Then my friend decided to just print it, instead of buying it. So alternately, we read it and since I am the faster reader I go first.

That's how I started reading novels, when I got to college I met some people who is also fond at reading novels. They introduce me to Paulo Coelho works. His first novel that I read is the 11 minutes, then the Alchemist. I love his works, and I've been reading most of his works now. I read some novels too which I forgot the title and the author. It will take me 2 novels with the same author to actually remember their name and the title of their works. I know, shame on me for that.

Then I stop reading novels for about a year and resume after reading the 50 Shades of Grey and I started reading erotic romance novels. I even told my friend "if porn are for guys well erotic novels are for us girl!" Yes, very funny of me. I really prefer erotic novels over porn (which doesn't have any romance on it). Also, I prefer reading that over boring romantic novels where I don't learn anything. At least in erotic novels there's a thrill.

Anyways, so since I've been reading a lot of erotic novels, I feel like I haven't been reading an "actual - real" novel. I want to take myself into the next level. I want to get out of my zone and appreciate other genre and learn something from it.

My only problem in reading an "actual - real" novel is the author use of words. I hate it when they use a deep meaning whatever word is that. If they can explain something in an easy way, then why not use that? If there's a beautiful word and yet easy to be understood word, then why not use that? Do I always have to carry a dictionary or search in the internet just to find the definition of that word? Yes, I am not a native english speaker that's why I complain a lot. Or maybe I am just stupid enough not to know those english deep meaning words? (*And stupid enough not to know where the (,) must be put or when to end a sentence.) 

I know I should expand my english vocabulary. Actually I am planning to enroll in a technical writing class in preparation for my master thesis. Maybe I'll pursue the creative writing thing later. I have no problems in a normal communication englsih, though of course there are times where I couldn't express myself because I don't know the right word or the translation for that.
One of my friend even asked me why I have limited knowledge in english vocabulary if I read a lot. I gave her a damned looked and said "It's not like I'm reading Shakespeare, Slyvia Plath or Edgar Allan Poe. I read a lot, but it's manga's. And in manga's they don't complicate things - they use simple english which I already know." I was pissed with that, and I was pissed at myself. I read manga's more than I read novels. Actually I think it reached to 100? Where the novels that I read are less than 50. That's why I'm gonna read a lot now and improve.

I found this one in facebook.
I was so obsessed in being perfect - in being the best. I am perfectionist in mind. Yes, in mind alone. I don't want to elaborate what I mean about perfectionist in mind alone since I couldn't explain it anymore clearer than what it is.
My own rival is myself. I am hard to please. I guessed you can say that my standards are freakin high. Well, that explains me being the "idealist". My friends also told me that my standards are high. I didn't believe them at first. Yes, ironically I didn't believe them until I realized that I was never satisfied with my work. I feel like there's still the best in me. And if I feel like I didn't give my best then it's not the best. I always want to do better. Better than me and well better than others. I guessed you can say that I am also quite competitive in mind. Yes, again - in mind. I am to idle to be competitive and to be the anxious perfectionist.


In relation with my last recent post. I know I told you that I was pleasing others. Don't worry, I won't take it back. I just have another realization and that is...
Pleasing others was also part of being competitive.
Well when it comes to arts you can say that I really based my perception of perfect in the way other receive it. But when it comes to academics and well other stuff, I am idealist in my own.
Because in academic you need to be precise. In art, well you know what they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". So that's why I think it bothers me on how will they see it, but then again I must still stay true to myself.

Now my question is.. is it a bad thing to have a high standard? or maybe I should just learn to appreciate others more. Oh! I appreciate their effort! Does it count? lol
Anyways, it seems like it's going nowhere so maybe I should just get back to my reading.

I just realized that you don't have to do everything perfectly. I mean, perfect in the sense of thinking how others will see it. I admit that most of the times I couldn't appreciate my work because I feel like others wont. I depend on others perception of perfect. I was pleasing them. It took me a while to realize that.

It sucks. And the truth sucks. I just realized that a couple of minutes ago when I was looking at my classmate artwork. It was not perfectly drawn, but it was perfectly beautiful. It was beautiful because she is proud, and her works speaks for her. To be honest I am envious of her. She's really cool and smart. She's a good writer, that's what I envy the most. If ever one day her works got published (I wish it could), I will definitely buy a copy of it!

Back to her art work. It was not something close to perfect (technique wise), but it was still beautiful. Then I asked myself, why I never appreciate my art? Why I never post it? That is because I am coward. I want to please them and it's stupid. I know that I am capable. I know I should not give them what they think they want. I should show them what I am and let them appreciate it. Let them love it or hate it. I shouldn't be afraid.

It was stupid of me. I thought I was wise enough, but then again I am blind. I was blinded with my own illusion. I was trying to hard. I was not being myself.

Come to think of it, most of the renowned artist in the world does things the way they want it. They don't really care that much on how others will perceive them. All did was expressed themselves and stay true. Edgar Allan Poe who always drink a lot. Sigmund Freud (yea he's not an artist), he faced a lot of controversy, but his psychoanalytic theory contributed a lot to the world of psychology. Even the great artiste, they don't give what people want from them. They do what they want and let the people judge them.

All the extraordinary people stay true to themselves. And I must do the same, we must all do it.

I want to break free. I don't want to be a prisoner of my own fear anymore. I should believe more in myself.

All about money, eh?

So a while ago, my mom asked me if it's hard to do an "baby thesis" and I was like "What? Baby thesis?". Then she told me its for a high schooler. Ah. I made one before when  was in high school. So I told that the me now will find it easy to make an "baby thesis" but of course the kid might find it difficult. Then she told me that one of her friend made one for the kid and the mother of that child paid her.
Then I was liked "What??? How can a child learn if she keeps doing that??" Then my annoying sister butted in and said "She needed the money eh".

I know I shouldn't judge her (my mom friend who made the baby thesis of someone else kid), she have her own thing. But to be honest, I don't think she needed a lot of money. Her kids are smart and 2 of them already graduated. Her husband is a head nurse. She only have one kid that is studying. So why do that? Why will you take away the chance for the child to actually learn and do all the work? I hate that. I hate it when people do things for other people for money. I hate it that your taking advantage of someone's weakness. I hate the fact that the mother of that child encourage that kind of shit behavior. Why study then? Why waste your freakin money if your not willing to learn?

But anyways, who am I to judge them?

Quick

I didn't realize that this blog became like a diary. Though, of course blog are meant for expression but I feel like I've been blogging a lot of non sense. I refuse to say that everything that I blog is a shit since it's not. But I've been reviewing some of my post and I feel like I didn't convey what I truly want.

Anyways, I've been thinking to post some pictures. I mean, I don't want this blog to be just plain as it is. I want to have a lot of readers, since it's title is "HEAR ME". Though, I'm quite proud of myself since I feel like I've been improving (I hope so).

I still have trouble customizing this blog. I used to be good at this css thing, but I forgot all about it since one of my famous excuses in not learning something is "Its not my job. I am a future psychologist. I don't want to steal other people's job" lol. A very lame excuse.

Anyways, I'll try to make this blog a cool blog. I've been blogging a lot so I guessed it's time to step it up. Who know's? Maybe this can get me into something.

Meant to be?

Hmm. Okay so, let me tell you a news. I don't know if it's a good one or not... Well, last week we had an argument to our thesis adviser. He got pissed at us for not following his "suggestion". Dumb ass. It's a suggestion we have the right to decided whether to follow it or not. Anyways, he doesn't want to handle us anymore and told us to look for another adviser or just dissolve the group. He even called our professor in charge with our class and told him to distribute us to the other groups. to be honest, I was quite happy about that! Nah. Let me change it, I am trilled about that! I hate working on something that I don't like. I am not a liar - that I proved that during this semester. Call me stubborn but I hate lying to others especially to myself, so I always express my views and opinions. Unfortunately our adviser didn't appreciate that. He probably thinks that we're arrogant, which we are sometimes - I guessed?

I hate conforming with wrong. I think I finally had the guts to say no and to express myself. For God sake, I'm on my senior year! I must at least be able to express myself. I am proud of that, but the same time I am worried. I am quite stubborn, like I literally fight for something I think is right and won't give up until you accept it or you'll give me one damned good reason - explanation why you are right. Sometimes, I even test that person if he/she can defend his/her point. Yes, I can be very very argumentative.  I tried to toned it down of course, but sometimes I couldn't help teasing them. I think maybe I adapt that behavior to one of my best bud. He likes questioning things and stubborn too. And it pissed me off! Like I hate talking to him. Lol - Now I adapt that stupid behavior of his. But now I get it why he does that.

Anyways, back to that adviser. So we tried to apologize, I don't want too but I have to stop being selfish and think about my other group mates as well. Then we (they) begged to him to accept us again and we promised to do "our" research in his on way. Shit! Whenever I think about that I still get pissed! So they did most of the talking  and I just I have to do the "sad" face. I hate lying! I hate saying things that I don't really mean. So I shut up. Their are lots of moment where I wanted to talk and argue with him since he's being sarcastic and stupid, but I hold back - again I have to think for my group mates. Their grades are at risk as well. But hell! My diploma is still hanging by the thread!

So they do all the sweet talking. They say things that they didn't mean. I don't blame them for that. If I were the same 2 years ago, I probably do the same but the thing is I changed.

SO we're back again with our adviser, and were doing "his" research, and he calls it "our" thesis. Fvck!

I actually prayed and begged to God to get rid of him as our thesis adviser, so I was actually positive about it since God has been nothing but nice to me. But this time, he didn't answer my prayers. Now, I'm thinking maybe He have greater plans for me? maybe that adviser and us are meant to be? lol

I don't know what future awaits for all of us, but I hope its a good one.

God, I'll leave it to you. I tried it, we already did our very best in defying that adviser, but it seems that you want us to stay with him. Maybe I will learn something from this.

I hope that you're still with me, that you're on my side - always.

And oh, sorry! Sorry God, please forgive me.

change for the better

I've been posting about my struggle in my academic life. Basically I am depressed, anxious, frustrated, struggling in my academic life. I reflected a lot about it, and to be honest it pre-occupies me more than I expected it to be.

I've been doing my internship in different institution. I spent less time in school, I just have to spend my 2 days per week in school and the rest is at the other institution. And that makes me lazy, I already have 2 absences in my major - research, and we're only allowed to have 3 absences so just one absent then I'm dead. Other than my absences, I'm always late. My professor already talked about it to me, and I told him I won't be late again but instead I'll absent. LOL

So other than my absences and late, my prelim and midterm exam was not good. I got a passing score, but it's C and it's not something to be proud of. I hate C but I must admit it's better than D. But I need at least B+, I know it's my fault for receiving C, since I'm always absent and I really review for exams, I didn't even bother to open the book, but I'm not used to it especially in research. It's not that hard so why the hell I got C? Well, because I'm too lazy.

So now that I am to blamed for in what's happening in my academic life, I decided to bring back the drive that i lost.

Starting next week, I'll start over again. I won't be late, I'll do things on time and meet the deadlines (I just hope that it's not too late! >_<), I get back to my diet and healthy living! I'll save money, I won't buy anything that I don't need, I won't eat extravagantly. 

So, starting next week I'll be a good student. I don't wanna waste my parents money, I'm feeling guilty about it now.

Anxiety

When anxiety strikes…

I guessed you get really anxious when you are struggling with life at the same time feel guilty about it. I’m in the midst of being hopeless, I am not sure if God is with me or maybe I am not sure if this is what he wants for me. Do we want the same thing? Or is it just me? I know what he plans for me is better, but I still can’t stay calm about it. I can’t accept my failure. It’s hard for me to accept that what I envision myself into is not what God wants for me, that he has greater plans. To be honest I am in doubt, in doubt of my own future. I don’t know if these are just challenges that I must face in order to achieve my dreams, or is it a sign that this is not for me? I want to know soon. Because if these are just a challenges then I am more than happy to face it and to win it, but if it’s a sign, then please God help me – help me accept that you have greater plans for me. I trust you; it’s just that I am too arrogant – stubborn. I feel guilty for that, I feel guilty for a lot of things. For being irresponsible, for being mean, for being cruel, for being inconsiderate. I’m sorry.

I’m too weak, aren’t I? 

I want to get out

I want to get out of this house! I am freakin sick with all the nagging! I am freakin sick with all the bullshit! I am freakin sick of all the drama's! I am going crazy and probably soon I'll be gone mad!

I am a house person, to be honest I rather spend my friday night at home. But this house doesn't feel home anymore. Everything change, well it got worst. Before I really didn't get it why people when they got old they live separate from their parents house. Isn't more convenient to live with them?? Now I realize why. Now I am actually considering or should I say wanting to leave this house, but of course I can't do that, not yet. I am still in college, I still need my family's money. And even after college things will be more difficult since I'm planning to take up my masters and they told me that they won't give me money for that, so I have to save money for my education. I am not so smart so academic scholarship can be quite difficult, I don't know where can I get a grant in this country. I am not that smart to apply for scholarship in other country but I am still hoping that I will be able to get one.

Ugly

I'm feeling ugly and I probably look a lot uglier than what I feel. It sucks. This kind of feeling sucks. I hate this. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate taking pictures. I am UGLY.

I restrain myself from doing a lot fun activities because of my ugliness. No one really bullied me for this ugliness, no one really said that I'm ugly - well except with my family which I didn't care since I don't expect a lot from them.

Okay, so I always felt ugly but everything changed when I was in high school. I felt a lot prettier in high school. I can say that I was one of the popular girls in my batch but it was not just because of my appearance but also because of my personality. When I was at my senior year I experience a major breakdown - I suffered from self-esteem issue. I quit my sports. We had financial problems (probably still do) since my father lost his job and my mom too. My friends betrayed me, my heart was kinda broked. I was just a total mess. I isolated myself.


Then I started to have acne breakouts. And yes, I popped it and I regret that. Though, I still do popped it. And also I squeezed my blackheads. Yes, I know it's starting to sound so disgusting so I'll stop.
Anyways, I still do have A LOT of pimples though I would say my rosacea (which I self diagnose) worsen it, since even though it's just blemishes it freakin looked like a pimple!

Last month, finally after freakin almost 6 years of suffering from pimples my mom decided to let me see a dermatologist. Well, at first the product worsen it but eventually I saw the improvement, unfortunately I still do squeeze my blackheads and it will turn into pimple/acne so yea, it's my fault why I still do have lot of pimples. But I will try not touch my face again. I must so the products that my dermatologist gave me will finally work. Though before-during-after my period acne's started to appear though it's not that worst, just very uncomfortable. I could popped it since it hurts like hell. It took awhile before it disappear which means I only have few days of feeling beautiful since before my period acne will appear again.



I know this unhealthy lifestyle of mine is the main reason of my ugliness, if I just have this perfect skin face then that will be enough. I know I'm not that ugly, but because of my pimples I am ugly. My youngest sister will always tell me that I am beautiful if not just with the pimple. Also my brother told me that I was beautiful. Yea - was. Aren't they nice? lol


Anyways, I promise not to do anything about my face. No more touching pimples! I got some acne scars and some not so deep holes due to my stupidity.  I have large pores. My skin face looked much older for my age. Oh I just look so ugly. But I still have some hope since, it's the new world - full of technology. I hope I can regain my beauty. Oh please! I want to offer the best me for "the one".



I want to look pretty before I graduate please! I need to be pretty so I can regain my self-confidence again and of course to get a job easily.

Identity Crisis

Okay, so it's not what you think. I am having an identity crisis, I want to call it a midlife crisis but I realize that I still fall into the young adulthood side. So I am struggling now with my career. Just a few months ago, i realize what I want and I've been setting my goals and really high. Unfortunately, due to some unwanted turn of of events I feel like those goals that I set can become really impossible. I want to take up my masters in Harvard I know that it's close to impossible but I know nothing is impossible. I know, if it's really for me God will give it to be. So I've been making some plans for the Harvard thing. I am not sure if my GPA can make it but there's an extension school so maybe just maybe if they see potential I can make it through. Money also makes it sound more impossible but there's a grant and I hope my relatives can helped me too. So everything has been lighting up, if I can make it to Harvard that's fine as long as I will give my best and try. I also have some options here at my country, there's this one of the best schools in the country and probably the best among them. It's also hard but I know I can make it if I can have the best thesis now in my undergrad degree...

But now, it can really be impossible since that unfortunate turn of events the thesis title that we want was not approve by the dean. And he gave us a topic that has been over studied. I guessed he really doesn't read any journals about it. We did our best to fight for what we want but guessed what we lost of course since he's the freakin dean!


Now I am thinking, is this career that I want and currently pursuing is what God wants for me?? I know I want this. I want it so bad, and I am afraid that this might not what God want for me... I know I should trust him, after all everything went well in his way.


P.S I hope this is just another obstacle that I need to surpass that everything will fall into it's right places.

Who's real, who's not?

I've been wondering who's real and who's not. I have a lot of friends who only contacted me when they need something. I used to be a Hero, who's always on the go, who's willingly ready to be used by my so called friends. I called myself a Hero because like a hero I rescue them at their darkest moment than fly away after that saving. I used to like what I do, I used to be okay with that... until I finally got tired. I got tired being a super friend.

It took awhile for me to be not the super friend, though sometimes I was willingly ready to be used. I can't help it. I know how fake they are. I know that they talked behind my back. It's not me over thinking or being too suspicious but I really do feel that they're talking behind my back. I'm good at reading people, I am too sensitive not to see their true identity.

Like what I said I've been wondering who's fake and who's not, then I realize I become one of the fake one's. Because I got fucking tired of being nice,  turned out to be like them - who uses other people, who will contact a friend when I need something. Though, I don't apply it to everyone, I just apply it to my user friends. Still it's not right.

Now, I don't care that much. I'll used them the way they used me, after all we're all users. I'll cherish those who have been real to be and well be nice to those who have been faking since then.

theidealistme.blogspot.com

Please kindly visit my other blog http://theidealistme.blogspot.com/ - Well, it's a blog that supposed to be for my made up story but a while ago I decided to post there anything that's about love. SO basically, this blog will be for my random feelings and the other one is exclusively for love.

It seems to be weird when the url of this blog is more appropriate for the love thing and other one is for more weird one. But I can't really do anything about it.


P.S can you give any comments? I mean reactions? Nice one or not I still care, I just want to know if someone actually listens.

Teaching experience

So part of my training is to teach some college students. The topic that I taught them was actually easy, but I wanted to make an impact. I got 6 classes.

So here how it goes:

First class:

I was really really nervous. I am not sure what to do, and if I can handle them. So I introduce myself and I tried to intimidate them and it kinda actually works. They listen to me and well participate. I did an ice breaker though I was not satisfied with it since I want to play something fun but my resources was limited and I forgot to buy a white board marker.

I taught them about the fortitude, excellence and uprightness. After that I asked them to make a role play that shows those 3 values and they did. Then I asked some of them to explain to see if they really get it. Then I gave a survey to some random students.

All in all, my first class was fine. I did fine, not good but fine (fair). I don't feel that I make an impact. After that I read some of the comments of the student and they are sweet especially that naughty kid. Well, I guessed the sweetest students are the naught ones.

Second class:

This was I did better. They are very active or should I say hyper. So like what I did in my first class, we did an ice breaker then I discuss the values. But before i discuss that I asked them if they have any idea what are those (their meanings). And in this one I must admit - I did proved that teachers (like me) actually do learn from their students! Some of them gave a very good definition of those 3 value. Actually better than I think and expected. And those definition that they gave me, I actually used that on  my remaining classes.

I did asked them to count of and I call them by their numbers.

After the discussion I asked them to choose at least one of the values that they want to improve, and why. They are 42 in the class, I let them express themselves. I make sure that everyone will share so one by one I asked them. Some of course cannot think of any or feel embarrassed but I didn't give up, and I waited until they come up of something. I didn't move on to the next student until the other one wasn't done. Actually that technique is the combination of the techniques of my 2 professor. One of my professor let's name her M1 will asked us one by one a question to see if they understand it. She's a bit technical since most of her subjects are well technical . The other one is M2, she'll call random student and asked about their idea, actually this one make sure that at the end of the day we do have some realizations.

M1 actually gave me some tips in teaching since she observed before when I got to teach in one of her class that I usually sit when I teach because it's too tiring. She said that in order for the students to feel that I actually do care in what I say it's important to walked and to walked closer to students which I did.

After letting them express their reflection it feels great! Wow. They have that kind of thought. I now realize how creative a person can be. It's very important to hear everyone out. And that's how M2 influenced me. When she become my professor since she'll always let us express our ideas, I become more confident. I learn best in expressing. That's why I also want them to express themselves so they can learn from it and gain confidence.

And I read of their comments and it was sweet also.

Also, when they share something sometimes I added some input to it and relate it to life, so they will that their answer or their views are good.

Third class:

I did the same, though they have few ideas I have to squeeze them just to think of an idea. And also I let them express themselves.

I read some of their comments and it was also nice and sweet.

Fourth class:

It was fine too. I did the same thing but this one is kinda hard to handle since they're kinda noisy. There comments were sweet also.

Fifth class:

This one is really fun since I got let them play 2 games. Since one of the student has a lot of white board marker. So I can see that they really had fun, though it was time consuming.

Like what I did in my previous class, I asked them to count of then I call them by number and asked for their ideas. And it's actually quite surprising that those students who's naught and loud and well who doesn't see themselves as smart were actually the one who gave good input or ideas. They will just randomly shout the answer that they felt so wrong but it was actually right. And of course I praised them for that and I think they felt happy about it.

Then I read some of their comments and it's really nice and sweet (yes, that's all I can say) though of course some of the few random student doesn't put any comment even in my previous classes. I did appreciate those who put sweet comments and that they actually learn or realize something.

Sixth class:

This one, I don't know what happen but I don't have the energy for it. The gave here is kinda boring not because of the student but it's because of me. I had few mistakes. Though I think I was able to discuss the values pretty well. And I just did what are the normal things that I do in my previous class.

There comments were also nice, but I think we didn't share an attachment compare to my previous class.but all in all for me it's kinda good.

So that is my teaching experience it was fun. And I learn a lot from it at the same time I was able to apply what I learned form my professor. It feels so great, but yes it was tiring. :)

Oh Lord, My loving God thank you

Actually I wanted to start this paragraph like this "Once in a while we feel hopeless, sad... down" but I figured out that probably most of us didn't just felt that once in a while but more like "every once in a while" -  does it make any sense? Lol

Anyways, last night I feel so down and now I am better, though I still have one thing to worry about. I felt devastated last night, I was numb. I hadn't have enough sleep for two days, so this morning I decided to be calm and just relax. I know that because I haven't have any sleep for 2 days, little things will irritate me. So I decided to play nice, and I'm glad my sibling and my parents cooperated and didn't do things that might irritate me. Though I was nice this whole morning, when I go to school my energy was off. Of course, I have no energy that's why I didn't attend my last class. I need sleep. But still here I am writing to this blog, but I really want to share my feelings, I want to express my thanks to god through this blog.

God knows that I've been troubled by something, it troubled me to the point it makes me anxious and cry. I begged for him and like always he listen and he gave me what I want. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve His kindness but the again i want His kindness that's why maybe, I want to think that I deserve it.

Later this afternoon, I feel relived. God answered my prayers, God took care of me. He listened! I guessed God really does have His own way, though I must say His own way is kinda scary at first. The whole point is, just trust him.

Thank you my loving Lord. Oh God, thank you! I love you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And I'm sorry for the worrisome.

Yours truly,

Sola

Wounded child

She was a girl who's been feeling ugly most time of her life. She wouldn't believed when other praise her. Ah. Fake, they're just telling that to make me feel better. They're making fun of me. That's what she thinks whenever someone praised her. She has a low self-confidence, probably because she was emotionally and physically abuse. She couldn't actually reveal that she was abuse, she's not even sure if other will see it as abuse. All she knows that it hurts - until now it hurts she murmurer. It badly hurt her, it scar her. She protect those people who abuse her, afraid what other might say. She embarrassed that she was abuse. She got use to the pain, she become tough - at least that was she thought. But she's not, she's so vulnerable, vulnerable in madness. Her early childhood experience affected her great deal, it molds her. She embraced the pain and loneliness, she thought it was her friend - they were her friend. They accompany her all through out her life, they never live her.

One day she woke up, tired of embracing sorrow so she decided to leave them behind and tried to find happiness and she did. She found a short lived happiness, again it brought her pain - but this time her pain doesn't seem to hurt her badly. It actually made her wiser but evilness knocked on her. She tried not to open it, she locked the evilness in her pandora box. She tried to fight it, resist it. But because of her painful experience she invited them. I am evil she thought. But then evilness brought her more pain, she also brought pain and misery to others. She did what she swear she wouldn't do, she did what was done to her. It took a while for her to realize that, she realize it after she saw the same eyes she had to that child. Full anger, the child is mad. She did that to him. She brought evilness to the child. She burst into tears and asked God for forgiveness, she begged to God not to let that child be like her. She pleaded to God not to make the kid evil. She regretted that the most. She was like them - those who hurt her, those who wounder her. The least thing she wants to be is to be like them. She's agitated. She doesn't know what to do. She's afraid that that child will be like her. She tried to change. It was a constant battle for her. Fighting her own evilness. She fought hard, she succeeded sometimes.

She's still trying her best, though it still hunts her down. Every month she experience agony. She's afraid. She's afraid of the punishment. She fear herself, afraid of what she's capable of. She knows in just one snapped... She hates seeing herself in the mirror, she feared her evil eyes. I'm ugly she thought. She feared ugliness, she wasn't ugly as she think she is. She's actually very pretty, but she felt ill.

One day, she realize that she's not that ugly, she was beautiful... but she realized it after she saw the worst. She really gotten ugly. She regretted that she didn't appreciate her beauty before. She gotten worse, she withdrawn form the world. She hated herself again. But she has has something very precious to her... Her beautiful dark brown long thick shinning hair. It's a natural beauty, she's proud of it, she loves her hair. I at least have something beautiful with me she thought. But then one day she realized her precious hair were starting to thin, she panicked. She felt as if she lost half of her hair. And now, she's miserable. Her anxiety wins. She doesn't know what to do... She's hopeless. Once again she begged to God, not to take her hair. She begged for health, not wealth but health. She's hoping that God will hear her prayers....

I pitied myself.

I know the worst thing you could ever feel for yourself is pity and I think I just did feel that. This past few weeks before the holiday starts, I've been feeling lonely and I don't know why. I think I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), I'm pretty sure I am suffering form that again. It's hard feeling down for no apparent reason or maybe I did know the reason? Maybe I was losing confidence again, maybe I am over thinking a lot again. My insecurities is dragging me down. I am feeling ugly and stupid. I always feel that I was ugly and stupid, I probably grew up thinking like that. Though, as I grew up I trying to fight that insecurities, I tried to be happy and look cheerful as much as possible and at some point of my life I did feel pretty and quite smart. And to be honest I also become so arrogant ( the down fall of being smart).

Back to my MDD, though I just did a self diagnosis - I am doing what I usually do read novels and watched movies. Even though I'm doing the normal things that I've been doing, something was off. I didn't do the important stuff; my research, my demo. I was slacking off, though before I was really motivated to do it. To be the best, to give the best! But for some reason I lose all the confidence and the drive wasn't there any more. It's sad. It's sad that I am losing to my own battle. I know I have the capacity to fight with it, but I was down - I am depressed.

I worried a lot of things in life. I worried a lot about my future. I am an idealist, I am trap in my own ideal world and that isn't healthy. It drags me down and it's one of the reason why I pitied myself. I am aware that "that" ideal world is not possible. But I am still hoping. Usually, the hope makes you feel alive, it usually makes you strong but now I find that hope as a sign of impossible. Because I know it's impossible, I hope. To be honest, it hard saying it's impossible because I know God can make everything possible but for this certain time it feels impossible. I am hopeless in my own hope. I am dying inside, not the dying pain though... or I guessed I am feeling dead. The word "dying" for me is much better than the word "dead" because if you feel dead your "numb", numb in the sense of not wanting to do anything. In dying there's still the sensibleness. 

I just want to get over this, I know I can get over this... The real question is how long will I be this idle? When will I get over this? I hope I could get over this soon - I need too! I need my life back.

Oh Lord, I am lost again. I need you, I need your help. You are the only one who can raised me up. Save me, save me from my own evilness. Save form my insecurities. Save me form my arrogance. Please My Lord, oh God. I am sorry for not saying sorry. I am sorry for I have always hurt you. I am sorry because I know I could still break your heart. I am sorry for doubting, I am sorry for cursing. I am sorry for my evilness. I am sorry because I am still in the process of understanding .. but I do know that I'll get there. I don't know how long will it took for me to have stable belief, but I know I will get there. Right now, all I can offer you is my surrender. I won't promise that I wont asked again because I know I'll raised more questions but I expect you to answer as you always did. Now, please help me get back again just what you always do for me - to us. My loving God, I know you know what my my heart desires. Please. Please. Please.