Well, I haven't diagnosed for depression but I'm pretty aware that I suffered from depression though I wasn't sure when it all started because ever since I was young - I was sad, and probably until now I am sad (for this moment).
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When I was young I really have low a self-esteem. I always felt ugly and well some of my relatives say's I looked like a street child. I don't comb my hair, I hate pony tails. I hate girly stuff. That's why when people will compliment me, I didn't believe them. My mom would always beat me up when I do something wrong, and even if I did nothing. I think she too suffered from depression, since she was not ready to have a child.
When I was young I always cried at night. I would beg to God to kill me. And of course I did think of suicide, but then I found out that it's wrong. So I decided not to do it, I don't want to go to hell. - That's what I was thinking. I am living in a life of full of sadness and I don't want to spend my eternity in hell of sadness. I, at least want to be happy - true happiness. I endure all those pain, my mom stop beating me up when I reach high school. Well she'll spank me every now and then but not everyday, unlike before she'll say hurtful things accompanying with beating up. lol
I think in time I adapted to that. I have to endure that so I guessed my pain tolerance become stronger. I become introvert. I didn't have many friends when I was in grade school, but I didn't mind that because I at least have 2 friends so that's more than enough for me.
I have to thank anime (cartoons) because it was the one who help me to cope up with the depression. The only happy childhood memory that I have is watching anime. The only time I feel happy when I was young was when I watch anime. It's like anime become my friend. And there are lots of times where my parents won't allow me to watch anime and I would cry but not in front of them. I don't know when did I start hiding my tears from them. All I can remember was me trying so hard not to cry in front of them. Even though my mom would beat me, I wouldn't cry - at least not in front of her. I always look tough. I cannot show my weaknesses to anyone. I can't be vulnerable.
Back then I also took care of my baby sister. I would go home early just to take care of her. I think she's nearly one year old at that time. I remember crying and wishing to God "Please, don't let my younger siblings experience what I experienced". I don't want them to be beaten up by my mother. And God, granted that wish. My mom didn't beaten them up, she rarely even spank them. I was happy for that, but I am also pissed because my youngest sister turned into a brat. She used to be a good kid when i was the one who took care of her, but when my mother stop working so she took over and now my sister is so mean. My mom would always give what she wants. More than being jealous, I was more pissed because my sister is so annoying. She can get things by crying.
What I really regret is hurting my brother. My mom didn't beaten him up, but I did. I feel guilty about it. I know that me being abusive to him has a huge impact. Now I stop beating him up, well I stop I guessed when he was in 5th grade. When I saw the way he looks at me, full of hate. I remember myself having those kind of eyes. I regret it the most. I regret hurting my brother. And I know that I can't turn back time, all I can do now is to be the a good sister.
I guessed when you were abusive you also tend to be abusive. That's why I don't want to have a child because I am afraid that I might just hurt them. Before I support abortion because I would rather die than to suffer like that. But of course as I grew up, it became all clear to me.
P.S my next post is the part 2 of my journey through depression.
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