Is it just me?

Have you been reading my blogs? Or do any of you read my previous blogs?

I'm feeling kinda lonely at this moment. I feel like I am so selfish and insecure.

Haven't you guys notice that most of my previous post is about my best friend S? And we'll some of my other friends too who pissed me off. I wonder.... Maybe it was me who has issues and not them? Maybe I'm the annoying bitch and not them? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just got carried away by my mood swings.

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I just hanged out with my best friends. It was fun but not enough. S keeps talking about her school and again I just shut up and listen to her stories. I don't even care about how close she was to that or to whom. Okay, I know I'm her best friend but I'm not her diary. She can't tell me every single thing that she does. I'm not even interested. And what makes me more pissed is that when it's my time to actually say something or share some story she starts texting and if she's not texting I know she's not listening - it's too obvious. She'll even change the topic or she will tell something that happened to her at that day. I wished she could have just listen!

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After a long time I finally got to hangout with H (my guy best friend) and what can I say he is really the best! He always listen and let's me talk! But sometime I could feel that we have this huge gap. It's like we both changed so much in just half a year of not hanging out - true hangout. We do go out sometimes but he always have to leave so early because he too has tons of deadlines to catch. So after our meeting today, I realize how great he is. He's the perfect bestfriend - he is the best! I just missed the times were we talked almost everyday. Talking about any random thoughts. Talking about my theories. He's plans! We shared our dreams together. *don't get a wrong idea. He's just a friend and perhaps a brother. We grow up together.

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My another close guy friend, let's call him Fin. Fin and I are really close, we got to talked almost about anything especially about his sex life. One time I decided to let him hangout with S and in instant they got close. I was jealous and pissed of course, it is because S keeps bragging about how amazing it is that in instant they got close to each other. She keeps saying that and I know they will of course be close because Fin is a nice guy. He's like a friend that you could bring anywhere and a friend you could introduce to another friend. It just pissed me off because S feels like it was a big deal, well Fin is a good looking guy so maybe that was makes it big deal for her. But it was just so lame to brag that out. And when Fin called her in the middle of the night she keeps telling that to me, and it's so ironic that Fin also tried to call me but I actually rarely checked my phone. It is always on silent mode so I wasn't able to picked it up. Then S keeps telling me that Fin shares some stories to her and that she's more close to her. I really wanted to punch her face when she told me that. I don't care if he tells her whole life story to her. I don't care if he called him. He's my friend too and he can be anyone's friend. So why brag that? It's like everything is a big deal for her! Gosh. Is it her first time to actually have a good looking guy friend? Damn it.

Yes, I admit that I was jealous but I know it's my fault too for always putting my phone on silent mode and that he couldn't reach me. Of course I wished that I should know it first because he's like my brother too. But it's totally fine if he's close with S. Why would I even bring him with me if I don't want him to be friends with my best friends, right? I just wished that S won't make it sound like it was a big deal.

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So what do you think? Is it just me? Am I the one whose wrong? I'm just so pissed. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just insecure. It even crossed my mind that maybe she wants to make herself feel superior. I know S had a tough life when we were young. I know that it is her blooming year, because she gets the attention that she always wanted. I am happy but at the same time sad, because I feel like she's dragging me down (making me feel down). Are we really best friends? I feel like there's a strong competition between us - competition of what? Tsk. I feel like we both don't know each other.