Part 1: My Journey Through Depression

Well, I haven't diagnosed for depression but I'm pretty aware that I suffered from depression though I wasn't sure when it all started because ever since I was young - I was sad, and probably until now I am sad (for this moment).

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When I was young I really have low a self-esteem. I always felt ugly and well some of my relatives say's I looked like a street child. I don't comb my hair, I hate pony tails. I hate girly stuff. That's why when people will compliment me, I didn't believe them. My mom would always beat me up when I do something wrong, and even if I did nothing. I think she too suffered from depression, since she was not ready to have a child.

When I was young I always cried at night. I would beg to God to kill me. And of course I did think of suicide, but then I found out that it's wrong. So I decided not to do it, I don't want to go to hell. - That's what  I was thinking. I am living in a life of full of sadness and I don't want to spend my eternity in hell of sadness. I, at least want to be happy - true happiness. I endure all those pain, my mom stop beating me up when I reach high school. Well she'll spank me every now and then but not everyday, unlike before she'll say hurtful things accompanying with beating up. lol

I think in time I adapted to that. I have to endure that so I guessed my pain tolerance become stronger. I become introvert. I didn't have many friends when I was in grade school, but I didn't mind that because I at least have 2 friends so that's more than enough for me.

I have to thank anime (cartoons) because it was the one who help me to cope up with the depression. The only happy childhood memory that I have is watching anime. The only time I feel happy when I was young was when I watch anime. It's like anime become my friend. And there are lots of times where my parents won't allow me to watch anime and I would cry but not in front of them. I don't know when did I start hiding my tears from them. All I can remember was me trying so hard not to cry in front of them. Even though my mom would beat me, I wouldn't cry - at least not in front of her. I always look tough. I cannot show my weaknesses to anyone. I can't be vulnerable. 

Back then I also took care of my baby sister. I would go home early just to take care of her. I think she's nearly one year old at that time. I remember crying and wishing to God "Please, don't let my younger siblings experience what I experienced". I don't want them to be beaten up by my mother. And God, granted that wish. My mom didn't beaten them up, she rarely even spank them. I was happy for that, but I am also pissed because my youngest sister turned into a brat. She used to be a good kid when i was the one who took care of her, but when my mother stop working so she took over and now my sister is so mean. My mom would always give what she wants. More than being jealous, I was more pissed because my sister is so annoying. She can get things by crying.

What I really regret is hurting my brother. My mom didn't beaten him up, but I did. I feel guilty about it. I know that me being abusive to him has a huge impact. Now I stop beating him up, well I stop I guessed when he was in 5th grade. When I saw the way he looks at me, full of hate. I remember myself having those kind of eyes. I regret it the most. I regret hurting my brother. And I know that I can't turn back time, all I can do now is to be the a good sister.

I guessed when you were abusive you also tend to be abusive. That's why I don't want to have a child because I am afraid that I might just hurt them. Before I support abortion because I would rather die than to suffer like that. But of course as I grew up, it became all clear to me.

P.S my next post is the part 2 of my journey through depression.

Mood swings

Here I am again.  Feeling lonely ~~~~~ I feel like I am so close at having mood disorders. I suddenly feel so sad but of course there's a reason. I get annoyed easily. I get sad easily but of course I don't let my mood swings interfer with my daily life, but sometimes I just really feel sad. Like now.

I feel like, I am empty - lost. I have nothing. Oh God, I need your help, help me - strengthen me. Please our Lord. You know what I need. I trust you.




I'll be sleeping now. It seems like that longer I stay here, the lonelier I become. Good night humans, let's put heart at ease with God's help.



P.S
It's really amazing what God can do. I just think of him and his love then my heart slowly finds its temporarily peace. Please take away my unnecessary worries. Good night!

Is it just me?

Have you been reading my blogs? Or do any of you read my previous blogs?

I'm feeling kinda lonely at this moment. I feel like I am so selfish and insecure.

Haven't you guys notice that most of my previous post is about my best friend S? And we'll some of my other friends too who pissed me off. I wonder.... Maybe it was me who has issues and not them? Maybe I'm the annoying bitch and not them? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just got carried away by my mood swings.

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I just hanged out with my best friends. It was fun but not enough. S keeps talking about her school and again I just shut up and listen to her stories. I don't even care about how close she was to that or to whom. Okay, I know I'm her best friend but I'm not her diary. She can't tell me every single thing that she does. I'm not even interested. And what makes me more pissed is that when it's my time to actually say something or share some story she starts texting and if she's not texting I know she's not listening - it's too obvious. She'll even change the topic or she will tell something that happened to her at that day. I wished she could have just listen!

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After a long time I finally got to hangout with H (my guy best friend) and what can I say he is really the best! He always listen and let's me talk! But sometime I could feel that we have this huge gap. It's like we both changed so much in just half a year of not hanging out - true hangout. We do go out sometimes but he always have to leave so early because he too has tons of deadlines to catch. So after our meeting today, I realize how great he is. He's the perfect bestfriend - he is the best! I just missed the times were we talked almost everyday. Talking about any random thoughts. Talking about my theories. He's plans! We shared our dreams together. *don't get a wrong idea. He's just a friend and perhaps a brother. We grow up together.

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My another close guy friend, let's call him Fin. Fin and I are really close, we got to talked almost about anything especially about his sex life. One time I decided to let him hangout with S and in instant they got close. I was jealous and pissed of course, it is because S keeps bragging about how amazing it is that in instant they got close to each other. She keeps saying that and I know they will of course be close because Fin is a nice guy. He's like a friend that you could bring anywhere and a friend you could introduce to another friend. It just pissed me off because S feels like it was a big deal, well Fin is a good looking guy so maybe that was makes it big deal for her. But it was just so lame to brag that out. And when Fin called her in the middle of the night she keeps telling that to me, and it's so ironic that Fin also tried to call me but I actually rarely checked my phone. It is always on silent mode so I wasn't able to picked it up. Then S keeps telling me that Fin shares some stories to her and that she's more close to her. I really wanted to punch her face when she told me that. I don't care if he tells her whole life story to her. I don't care if he called him. He's my friend too and he can be anyone's friend. So why brag that? It's like everything is a big deal for her! Gosh. Is it her first time to actually have a good looking guy friend? Damn it.

Yes, I admit that I was jealous but I know it's my fault too for always putting my phone on silent mode and that he couldn't reach me. Of course I wished that I should know it first because he's like my brother too. But it's totally fine if he's close with S. Why would I even bring him with me if I don't want him to be friends with my best friends, right? I just wished that S won't make it sound like it was a big deal.

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So what do you think? Is it just me? Am I the one whose wrong? I'm just so pissed. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just insecure. It even crossed my mind that maybe she wants to make herself feel superior. I know S had a tough life when we were young. I know that it is her blooming year, because she gets the attention that she always wanted. I am happy but at the same time sad, because I feel like she's dragging me down (making me feel down). Are we really best friends? I feel like there's a strong competition between us - competition of what? Tsk. I feel like we both don't know each other.

Finding Jesus Christ right beside me

So I was seating in our sofa and right beside me there's a book. It was a book about the teaching of Jesus Christ and God. The author talks about her experiences and other people stories and she relates it to the words in bible - words of God. It's been there for like years, my mom was the one who was reading that but I never actually saw her read that. So I tried reading it before but I got bored so I stop.

A while ago, I was pissed at my youngest sister then I suddenly remember my friend who told me how shock she and the entire class when they heard me speak - read in english. I guessed you could say that I have this perfect western accent. It's my talent, imitating different nations accent. I can also guess your nationality by just talking, not because I am familiar with their language rather I was familiar with their accent. So I want to try reading out loud to hear if what she's saying is true - if there's really a wow factor.

~~~~~~~ So I grab this book at my left side, turn to page whatever my hand tuned on and read it out loud. And of course in reading aloud you must also understand it. So while reading it since it's about God and religion, I am more cautious.  I have my own belief and most of the times I try to questions other people's religion because I don't belong to any religion but I could proudly say that I do believe in God. So as I am reading, I find myself saying okay on what she's saying but also there are parts where I couldn't understand what she's saying. I try to read the different pages (every page talks about different topic), so I turn into this page that talks about Jesus Christ. I used to question Jesus Christ. Like, why people follow him? why he's the way through our God? Why do they call him the "Only Son" of God???

I grew up knowing that we are all sons and daughters of God, and yet there is Christ who they call the only son of God? As a child it was very confusing. I was a roman catholic, and to be honest I think it was that religion that makes me question everything about God. They have this contradictory teaching. We have religion class when I was  in grade school and none of my teachers actually makes me accept that religion. So I must say that I grew up doubting religion and it makes me also doubt God. I also got to the point where I say I don't believe in God, but it was all thanks to Him that I was able to find Him again.

Until now I am still in the deep quest of understanding God. But I must say that I do believe in Him. I just want to have a better understanding of Him - to serve Him. I accepted God, but not Jesus Christ. For me he's just a prophet. I didn't understand it before why they call him the only son of God while they say that we are all child of God. It's very irritating and confusing. So I must say that I envied, I was jealous. I had this question - Why him? Why is he the chosen one if all of us are God's child. I was embarrass for that jealousy of mine. I was just like Judas or Satan?

But after reading that book, that phrase "He is the only son of God" I thought it was gonna make me feel irritated but I didn't. I suddenly remember one Muslim said to me that we are not the child of God, he is our creator our parents our Adam and Eve. Then I remember the story about how was Jesus Christ was born that it was the Holy Spirit, that was sent by God. He's not really like us, but God wants to make us feel closer to him that's why he wants his son to be with us - to live on earth. He's like our half brother (just kidding)! He gave us his son, and through Jesus Christ we could reach God.

So yea, after that realization. That question was gone, not totally though - of course I still have a lot of understanding to do. I still doubt religions.

Anyways, I want to thank God for answering my question that I've been asking for ever since I was young.

Sorry friend, I can't always be there and feed your id.

Okay. So I've been so busy with this past weeks and I'll still be busy for next week (final exams week) and during the semester break.

So this last few weeks, I had lots of deadlines to catch. I've been doing my case study, shooting, reports, and lots of experiments! So I'm exhausted! I hadn't been attending my class just to finished my case study because I have to meet my client and he's being uncooperative. It actually make me feel like I'm a failure! 

Anyways, with all the stress that I'm having with school stuff, S (my girl best friend) is adding up to my stress! She freakin knows that I hate it when people disturb me especially in my busy moment. If I'm not contacting them, that means that I don't want to talk, and I told her for like a hundreds of times that I'm BUSY, still she's disturbing me! It's annoying, and to be honest even though I'm not busy I still don't want to talk to her. She's been talking and talking a lot, and I'm not interested!

She's having a problem with just a lame stupidity of hers. I think she's just an immature flirt. She's flirting with her crush and then when her crush holds her hand - she let him! because she was so damn scared because they were walking in the dark. Stupid right? Don't she dare tell me that she couldn't do anything! She do something but she chose to let that dude hold her hand, and she chose not to do anything. And now she's whining how guilty she was? That's she doesn't know what to do? that's she's in a crazy situation??? For God sake! Deep inside she wants it, and now she's regretting it? She's just feeding her ego that's why she wants to brag that out. If she wants to brag out her stupid action then she could do that with her other friends! I'm busy, and I keep telling her that I'm busy and I'll contact her after I'm done with all this stuff. Still she keeps calling! What makes me more pissed is when she's calling while on my class!

Now I realize that I can't always be there for my friends or should I say I choose not to be there? It's a lame problem! It's not like she's gonna die? Can't she get over that? If she really feels guilty about it, just say sorry to her boyfriend and forget everything! Okay I know she's just feeling her femininity now, but it doesn't mean that she can be a flirt? What's even worse is she never listen to me! So what's the point with all the talking if she won't listen to me? If she just want someone to listen to her, she have her other friends to brag that out. I don't want to listen with her constant whining about how she regret this and that, or how stupid she was or how sweet that crush of hers or how overwhelming attention she receives from guys. It's the same story over and over again. I don't want to feed her id. I'm freakin tired with it! Anyways, next week I'm gonna hangout with her, so I'll let this out! I'll tell her how stupid she was. lol

But for now, I just need to express it with this blogs.