So I have this friend, let's call her N (sorry for using initials). She's my classmate in most of my class. She's like my best bud because two of our friends stop studying. At first, I don't really feel like hanging out or just being around her because she appear to have this bitch attitude. N is smart, that's why when you hear her talking or in having a report she appeared to be a bitch. But as I got to know her, she's not that bad and I guessed I am adjusting well to her personalities. I'm quite slow and thanks to her my brain is finally stimulating. We share some plans after college, and she's very giving. Anyways, so in our first few months of friendship we (with our other 2 friends) talked about relationships; past, and present. Actually they are the only one who's talking about it, I don't really like sharing my past with people, specially knew friends. They forced me to speak about it so, I told them that my first and last relationship was 5 or 6 years ago. They keep asking me why we broke up and I don't want to tell them. At that time, I also don't know what to tell. I mean, it was a bad yet a calm break up. I am clearly not aware why we broke up, though I know deep inside my heart it was my fault. - I was a flirt. I can't tell them that I was a flirt because that's clearly the least thing you could imagine me doing if you see me now. I'm this geeky - nerd - not that feminine girl now. But ever since young I'm not girly girl, to be honest I want to be a guy before because I feel like if your a boy, you have all this freedom to play around. My parents is really strict when I was young, like I can't play with boys because I am girl, and the only kid in our neighborhood who has the same age as mine is a boy! So who's gonna be my playmate, huh? I think when I was young I long for brother figure, or father? My dad only goes home like once a year the longest time he'll spent with us is 3 months and that is because of his work. So I rather play with guys, because I see them as brother and my girl schoolmates are pretty mean! Anyways, I also hates wearing accessories, except plastic accessories. I prefer to wear a plastic or made with thread necklace than a gold or silver ones - yuck. So I don't like guys who wore accessories, especially those who have a piercing. I don't even have a earnings so how come they have that? But I do love cute things :3
back to the story...
So during our conversation, she told me that maybe I am a "homosexual" because I haven't been in a relationship for that long. So I was like "the F?" Okay, I know I am quite boyish. I like sports (though, I've got a weak stamina), and remote control car. I don't like make-ups and jewelries. I am not as graceful as those girly girl kids, I like white not pink. I am not that sweet as a "normal" girl should be. But hell, how come you define someone sex preference by those kind of things? I don't normally get pissed off with people says that I'm a "tomboy" because I know I'm not. But when N insist that I'm a "tomboy" that pissed me off. Come on dude! I told you that I'm straight, yes I'm quite boyish but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a tomboy? I haven't been in any relationship first is because there's no one actually ask me on a date, and if there is I don't like him. And if ever I like that person who asked me, they normally give up in pursuing me - yea, I'm kinda hard to get or should I say I play hard to get. Second reason, is because I'm such a coward, I hate revealing myself to anyone, and to act so cuddling to someone is terrifying. Third reason: I learned with my first relationship. I was young back then, after that broke up I detached myself to everything! TO EVERYONE. I actually isolate myself from my old friends. Those years, I reflected to myself. So it pissed me off, when she keep insisting that I'm a shibs(tomboy), and what's worst is that she also tells that to everyone! Like earlier she told my gay friend "that girl who pretends to be a girl" - The fvck! Okay, maybe that's a joke but it's not funny because she actually sound very convincing. And she keeps on telling that. Whenever a topic will arise about relationship or being girly she will always say that I won't get it because I'm shibs. And it pissed me off. I told her that I'm not, and I think it's very clear that I'm not, but why does she always insist that I'm shibs? I know we grew up in different environment and she has a lot of shib friends and she's surrounded by them a lot. So maybe she doesn't know that you can be a "pure straight girl" without having SEXUAL EXPERIENCE and BOYFRIEND. If there's a guy I really like of course I want to be with him, but the thing is... I haven't found that man that will give me butterflies in my stomach, makes my knees weak... Okay, I will admit it, sometimes I really wonder that I'm a homo - having her telling me that I am and knowing that she's surrounded by homo before, makes me actually question my identity. So I tried to reflect... But what makes you a homo? What's up with that labeling thing? Like in Freud personality theory, there's this animus and anima. I am not attracted to girls, I don't even get it why your going to be attracted to your same sex? But I do have this boyish side - not wanting jewelries and make-ups makes you a bit boyish right? lol
Actually that gay friend of ours believe her at first when she told him that I'm shibs. So I was like "hell no". I mean, being homo is not that a big deal, if I am a homo why would I deny it? I think I'm family would love that because I will be able to support my siblings; pay for their college because I won't have kids. Anyways the whole point is, why would she insist that? I thought I got used to it - about her insisting that to me and sometimes she will even shout that. To be honest, I don't do anything about it anymore. What's the point in defending yourself if she keeps on saying that? I told her that I'm not a shib so I think that's enough. I just worried that people may actually believe that, and those cute guys in our bldg. will think that I'm not interested to them. Hahaha! And oh yea, I forgot to tell you that she even told to her other friends and relatives that she has a strong feeling that I'm a shib. (o0o) I knew that because she told me that. That's quite out of the line. It makes me sad because she's my friend, and true friends don't do that. I mean, in our few years of friendship I assumed that she knows me well enough. Still, she keeps on saying those. I'm so fed up with that. Those people who knows you well, won't define you. My friends in high school and elementary, because they know me so well they don't label me. - they don't define me. I just wish that she'll stop saying those things especially in public. I just don't get it why she keeps on insisting that. I am freakin tired on speaking up, telling that I'm not so I just shut up. Hopefully in time she'll know me well and stop that!
And also, she's pressuring me to get a boyfriend! Okay, if I could just have one then I will definitely have one! But I haven't found that man yet! I am trying to wait patiently for that prince charming, and I even prayed to God that if he thinks I'm ready then give it to me :) I don't want to rush things again like what I did when I was young. That turn out to be quite messy, it makes me more insecure, and I don't want that to ever happen again. I want to have that real happiness. I have suffered enough when I was young, I think I deserve to have that true happiness.
Anyways your wondering, she's straight. N have a cute but childish boyfriend, that she's having a problem to deal with.
Maybe in my future post, I'll tell you about my painful childhood life.
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