You must not label or define someone

So I have this friend, let's call her N (sorry for using initials). She's my classmate in most of my class. She's like my best bud because two of our friends stop studying. At first, I don't really feel like hanging out or just being around her because she appear to have this bitch attitude. N is smart, that's why when you hear her talking or in having a report she appeared to be a bitch. But as I got to know her, she's not that bad and I guessed I am adjusting well to her personalities. I'm quite slow and thanks to her my brain is finally stimulating. We share some plans after college, and she's very giving. Anyways, so in our first few months of friendship we (with our other 2 friends) talked about relationships; past, and present. Actually they are the only one who's talking about it, I don't really like sharing my past with people, specially knew friends. They forced me to speak about it so, I told them that my first and last relationship was 5 or 6 years ago. They keep asking me why we broke up and I don't want to tell them. At that time, I also don't know what to tell. I mean, it was a bad yet a calm break up. I am clearly not aware why we broke up, though I know deep inside my heart it was my fault. - I was a flirt. I can't tell them that I was a flirt because that's clearly the least thing you could imagine me doing if you see me now. I'm this geeky - nerd - not that feminine girl now. But ever since young I'm not girly girl, to be honest I want to be a guy before because I feel like if your a boy, you have all this freedom to play around. My parents is really strict when I was young, like I can't play with boys because I am girl, and the only kid in our neighborhood who has the same age as mine is a boy! So who's gonna be my playmate, huh? I think when I was young I long for brother figure, or father? My dad only goes home like once a year the longest time he'll spent with us is 3 months and that is because of his work. So I rather play with guys, because I see them as brother and my girl schoolmates are pretty mean! Anyways, I also hates wearing accessories, except plastic accessories. I prefer to wear a plastic or made with thread necklace than a gold or silver ones - yuck. So I don't like guys who wore accessories, especially those who have a piercing. I don't even have a earnings so how come they have that? But I do love cute things :3

 back to the story...

So during our conversation, she told me that maybe I am a "homosexual" because I haven't been in a relationship for that long. So I was like "the F?" Okay, I know I am quite boyish. I like sports (though, I've got a weak stamina), and remote control car.  I don't like make-ups and jewelries. I am not as graceful as those girly girl kids,  I like white not pink. I am not that sweet as a "normal" girl should be. But hell, how come you define someone sex preference by those kind of things? I don't normally get pissed off with people says that I'm a "tomboy" because I know I'm not. But when N insist that I'm a "tomboy" that pissed me off. Come on dude! I told you that I'm straight, yes I'm quite boyish but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a tomboy? I haven't been in any relationship first is because there's no one actually ask me on a date, and if there is I don't like him. And if ever I like that person who asked me, they normally give up in pursuing me - yea, I'm kinda hard to get or should I say I play hard to get. Second reason, is because I'm such a coward, I hate revealing myself to anyone, and to act so cuddling to someone is terrifying. Third reason: I learned with my first relationship. I was young back then, after that broke up I detached myself to everything! TO EVERYONE. I actually isolate myself from my old friends. Those years, I reflected to myself. So it pissed me off, when she keep insisting that I'm a shibs(tomboy), and what's worst is that she also tells that to everyone! Like earlier she told my gay friend "that girl who pretends to be a girl" - The fvck! Okay, maybe that's a joke but it's not funny because she actually sound very convincing. And she keeps on telling that. Whenever a topic will arise about relationship or being girly she will always say that I won't get it because I'm shibs. And it pissed me off. I told her that I'm not, and I think it's very clear that I'm not, but why does she always insist that I'm shibs? I know we grew up in different environment and she has a lot of shib friends and she's surrounded by them a lot. So maybe she doesn't know that you can be a "pure straight girl" without having SEXUAL EXPERIENCE and  BOYFRIEND. If there's a guy I really like of course I want to be with him, but the thing is... I haven't found that man that will give me butterflies in my stomach, makes my knees weak... Okay, I will admit it, sometimes I really wonder that I'm a homo - having her telling me that I am and knowing that she's surrounded by homo before, makes me actually question my identity. So I tried to reflect... But what makes you a homo? What's up with that labeling thing? Like in Freud personality theory, there's this animus and anima. I am not attracted to girls, I don't even get it why your going to be attracted to your same sex? But I do have this boyish side - not wanting jewelries and make-ups makes you a bit boyish right? lol

Actually that gay friend of ours believe her at first when she told him that I'm shibs. So I was like "hell no". I mean, being homo is not that a big deal, if I am a homo why would I deny it? I think I'm family would love that because I will be able to support my siblings; pay for their college because I won't have kids. Anyways the whole point is, why would she insist that? I thought I got used to it - about her insisting that to me and sometimes she will even shout that. To be honest, I don't do anything about it anymore. What's the point in defending yourself if she keeps on saying that? I told her that I'm not a shib so I think that's enough. I just worried that people may actually believe that, and those cute guys in our bldg. will think that I'm not interested to them. Hahaha! And oh yea, I forgot to tell you that she even told to her other friends and relatives that she has a strong feeling that I'm a shib. (o0o) I knew that because she told me that. That's quite out of the line. It makes me sad because she's my friend, and true friends don't do that. I mean, in our few years of friendship I assumed that she knows me well enough. Still, she keeps on saying those. I'm so fed up with that. Those people who knows you well, won't define you. My friends in high school and elementary, because they know me so well they don't label me. - they don't define me. I just wish that she'll stop saying those things especially in public. I just don't get it why she keeps on insisting that. I am freakin tired on speaking up, telling that I'm not so I just shut up. Hopefully in time she'll know me well and stop that!

And also, she's pressuring me to get a boyfriend! Okay, if I could just have one then I will definitely have one! But I haven't found that man yet! I am trying to wait patiently for that prince charming, and I even prayed to God that if he thinks I'm ready then give it to me :) I don't want to rush things again like what I did when I was young. That turn out to be quite messy, it makes me more insecure, and I don't want that to ever happen again. I want to have that real happiness. I have suffered enough when I was young, I think I deserve to have that true happiness.

Anyways your wondering, she's straight. N have a cute but childish boyfriend, that she's having a problem to deal with.

Maybe in my future post, I'll tell you about my painful childhood life.

Busy & Bored

Have you ever had this feeling of boredom? Like I am effin busy and yet I feel so bored. I have this lab report that I should finished today because I need to pass it tomorrow, still I don't feel like doing it. I started doing this two days ago; it's a super long lab report. I hate doing this, what makes me hate it even more is because my professor NEVER read the lab reports that I passed - we passed. What lazy professor, huh? He's nice, but he's not suited to be a called as a "professor".


I know I'm busy, and I should probably continue working in my lab report. I woke up today at 5:30PM - yes, I told you my body has a different time zone. Maybe I should consider moving to the west? I need some motivation! =_= I'm currently looking for interesting blogs here at blogspot, and I haven't found one. Most of the blogs that I found, talks about motherhood, and Christianity - Jesus Christ. And I'm not interested with that. I don't belong to any religious groups, in case your wondering, but I am not an atheist - definitely not. I believe in God, it's just that I chose to believe it in my own way. I read bible before, and I have my own interpretation with that. Believing without religion - I prefer it this way. This way, I feel like I'm on track - on the right track. Though, I must say that I still have some questions but God makes his own way in answering those questions. I self talk - a lot! and sometimes I find myself answering my own question I raised for God, then I realize it was God who answered those questions. He uses me in answering my own questions. Awesome right? :) Carl Jung calls it the wise old man, but I call him God.

I'm supposed to be writing about busyness and boredom and yet here I am talking about God. Well, anyway that's how I think. My mind is random, that's why everything I post is random. It changes like how my mood swings.

Goodbye for now, I really need to finish this.

Ghost blogger

I am envious to Ghost. I wanna call her Ghost, because her blog says "ghost" so let's just name her Ghost. She's my classmate in most of my subjects, and she lend me a novel called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, which is currently showing. Some say, Ghost is weird but I say she's just different. Also, one of my friend said that Ghost is gay, but reading her blogs, it kinda give me a hint that she's not or maybe she's bi? Lol. Enough with label thing! I think Ghost kinda cool, though she's lazy when it comes to school works. She's not my friend yet - yes, yet because I want to her to be my friend, because I think that I can learn something from her. Also, I kinda pity her because most of the times I see her alone. If you noticed, I kinda have a soft heart for those who are bullied, loner, and misunderstood. 

~~~

I am busy and bored, so I decided to check on my twitter - found nothing there, then facebook - I saw some updates about Ghost tumblr post, because I couldn't find any blog that actually makes sense I decided to visit her blog and hoping that it's good. So I click the "personal" tagged and started reading her blog. God, she's good! I know she's good but I can't believe she actually this good. I mean, her words, are so rich. I like her writing tone. It made me realize how terrible I am into writing and I wish that I have a wide vocabulary knowledge, and knows the proper usage of the punctuation marks, conjunctions and so on. Like what I say in my previous blog, I don't have any troubles when it comes to speaking. My accent can be deceiving that makes you think that I am effin fluent in english, and I'm not. So I am envious of her writing skill. I bet she could be one of the best writer. Her skills, plus her different yet so meaning perception, her outlook in life, I know she can make a best seller novel. Ghost is really good, I wanna to be able to write my thoughts properly too >_<

I guessed I need to have a proper knowledge in proper writing. Hmmmm... But before that, I need to get back to my school stuff. I need to focus with this effin lab experiment that has full of discrepancies. 

A bit of a history

Break time.

My reading background:

So yesterday I was so into writing. Reading a real novel again reminds me one of my dream in life and that is to write a novel. I started reading novels when I was in my senior year of high school, and believe it or not, the first novel I read was "Twilight Saga". Before I don't really like reading, I mean I do read manga (a japanese comic book) and I am addicted to it, though I must say that I started reading manga's during summer of my junior year in HS. So yea, I'm knew into reading, I tried it before and I got bored. Then Twilight Saga came and I started to be so addicted in reading novels, I remember I spent the entire 3rd and 4th quarter of my high school life in reading Twilight Saga and other novels that I forgot the titles and the authors. - Sorry for that. When I entered college, I meet a lot of people who also likes reading, so I am very thankful for that because they are my sources, I never brought a book with my own money, I just borrowed them. I rather buy food than book. But in my sophomore year, I decided to transfer to other university because I don't like the curriculum they offer for my course, so I decided to transfer to my current school, which I know compare to my first university this one sucks. - Don't get me wrong, it sucks in a way that I'm not satisfied with the professors and well the environment too and the students or maybe it's just that my previous university is one of the BEST school in the country so transferring to this school is a huge shock to me, but anyways I'm still here and I must say it's not that bad and I kinda get used to this.

So in this school I only met few people who actually read novels - I just met them. So I am feeling happy because I now found people that I can borrow books but then I realize I am so busy with school stuff. =_=

Oh. I forgot to mention that I learned how to read when I was in 2nd grade. I know, it's kinda late. My parents got me a tutor back then but it didn't work, they just give up because I still couldn't read no matter how hard they teach me. So when I was in 2nd grade my teacher in Filipino will always ask us to read a story out loud in front of the class. We call her "teacher Jenny" I can never forget her, because of her I was forced to teach my self how to read! Yea, I did it on my own - I'm kinda proud of that. I don't want to be embarrassed in front of the whole class, so I actually have the motivation to practice reading. I know the basics of course, like "a"-"e"-"i"-"o"-"u" so I used that to teach myself.

My English grades:

Since pre-school we have english class, and since then I suck at it. I always got "C", "D" and "E". I just don't get it, I mean the whole "S-V" - I don't know what it calls. Also, the proper usage of "there, are, in, on, into, this, these..." and so on, I'm not an expert in using them. Most of you who read my past posts probably noticed that. So, YEA - I suck at english. To be honest I prefer to learn Japanese instead of english and that is because I am addicted to anime too.

Things change when I was in my senior year, because I was so into reading. Though I was good at essay writing even before, I started improving in my senior year in HS. I don't just improve in writing but also in speaking. I didn't know how good I am at speech until my teacher ask us to have a speech. So that inspire me more to improve myself in writing and speaking. Then I got to this one of the "BEST" university in the country - I wanna emphasize the "BEST" word because that university is truly one of the "BEST". To be honest, I still can't believe that I passed the entrance exam and the interview there. The professors are great so I learned a lot, things that I thought that was hard is not as hard as I thought it was so I am contended. In my current school... well, I took 2 english subject here that I needed, it was fine.

In exams, I suck again. I never had a "A" or "B" in my exams in english, but I must say in application I'm doing better. In writing even though I have some troubles, I still manage to at least write something that makes sense and the grammar is fine - I guessed? In speech, well I know I'm good at that.

For now, I still need a lot of improving especially if I want to write a novel, which I tried by the way. It's freakin hard! I thought it's gonna be easy but it's not.

As of 1:07AM

I really have a irregular sleeping habits. I don't know if it's insomnia or what, but I want to think that my body just have a different time zone - like a forever jet lag. I have been always like this. Since I don't want to sleep, though I must admit I am sleepy now, because it's a tiring day. I want to start writing about my thoughts as of the moment.

Lately I have been talking to my friends, let me call her "P" and her as "D". P is currently suffering from heart ache, because her ex boyfriend broke up with him and he's the first guy who she dated seriously and now she feels like her ex found someone already. While, D... well she is in love with her best friend! Ugh. Still don't get it why people fall for their best friends, I have H, if you remember him. We've been friends like forever and I never see him anything more than a friend! Oh, yea he is like a brother. Anyways, so D is so madly in love with her best friend, and her best friend has a girl friend - it sucks, right? So they've been doing something naughty D and her so called best friend, I just hate that goat for hurting her! Now, she decided to actually move on (she's trying). As of me, well I'm single for like 6 years! It just that after my last relationship failed, I suddenly feel detached. I isolated myself, I changed or should I say I just returned to the person I used to be... but now, I am longing for love.

Let's put it this way, P want's to get over with her ex, D want's to find her prince charming and me, Sola who want's love again. Them having a broken heart, and me who's been empty for so long! I rather be broken than empty. Emptiness sucks. Broken, well it sucks too.

While most of our friends are happy with their boyfriends we are loner. lol - It makes me want to make a story about the 3 of us finding our way to love, but I guessed a  true story is better than a make up story, so I'll just updated you on how we're gonna make it! I hope we could hangout during sem break.

P.S When you read my past blog, you might be confused by the way I write, I know my english sucks. Also, the time transition, to protect my identity I kinda make it confusing and the names too. Sorry.

1:29AM

A best friend who never really listen

So I was hanging out with my two best friends, let's name them HE & SHE because he's a HE and she's a SHE. We've been friends for a long long time! Yea, like really long. At first I don't really consider S as a best friend because I can't really be true to myself around her, I just hangout with her because she was bullied, and I don't know how it all happens but we become friends and suddenly she's stuck with me. I don't really like her at first, and I feel guilty about it. When we were you, S has a weird smell but maybe because I have a very very sensitive nose, and it triggers my migraine. Anyways, I didn't know how I survive that smell of hers, but thank God she smells fine now - I guessed? maybe I'm just used with that. lol

Being friend turn me to something quite mean, like after being her friend my original best friend let's name her "K" we got into a fight and I betrayed her. I really regret that, even though I know that what she did was wrong but still I shouldn't have betrayed her even though I got pissed at her. K and I are still good friends but we never really saw each other after high school graduation and during high school we barely talk, I guessed I couldn't face her because I know I am such a stupid girl.

During high school I have this friend let's call her "A", A has a broken family and I guessed mad and pissed at her family, she's lonely. We hangout during our 6th grade, then when we got into high school we still hangout out but not as often as we were back in our 6th grade. She turn to be kinda bitchy girl, she gave her virginity to someone who's like 24 (not sure) and she was 13 or 12 back then? She started drinking and smoking and I don't do that kind of stuff and she also got an abortion. I didn't know that until when I was in 3rd yr. college. I feel bad, because I know I could help her, but I didn't ask her if she's fine because I was busy with my blooming teenage life. When we were in our junior year if I can remember it right? "A" migrated to North America, and before she go there, I saw her walking at this mini restaurant in front of my best friend "S" subdivison. I saw her, I'm with S that time and we are going to the mall, before we ride a cab, A called me and I wanted to have a long talk at her. I could see at her eyes that she's over joyed seeing me and wants to have a long chat with me, since we haven't really see each other after she quieted high school because she's going to NA. "A" even bother to go across the street with me just to have a talk but then a cab suddenly came and S force me to ride, and for some reason I followed her. I could in A eyes her sadness and disappointed. I feel really guilty. When I got home, I saw A again but this time she's aloof the I realize I must have gotten hurt her. I wanted to say sorry but there's no words that coming out to my mouth. So yea, ever since that day we haven't talk. I feel guilty.




I know I shouldn't blame S for my betrayal to A and K because it was my choice. But I realize I've been an idiot ever since I become friend with S. I got pissed  at her, so I stop talking to her and I told my issues with her but not about this stuff, I told her that it's not good that she's taking our friendship for granted because during her debut she thanked everyone except us (me and H) so I was really pissed and I realized that I've been valuing a wrong person. We are best friends and she forgot to thank us??? Like hell! So I didn't talked for her for like a year? After that we become best friends again and she listen to all my complains and she's improving.



Now after hanging out with her, I realize one thing. She never listens to me. I am very secretive person, even to them, so I rarely talk about something so I expect them to listen when I talk and she doesn't listen to me! She keeps on interrupting me, and what sucks is when I know for a fact that I always listen to her! I'm a good listener, I bet I am. So yea, it sucks to realize that until now the person who I consider as "best" friend is not like a "best" friend at all :|



And for H, I don't really have any complains. He always, listen to me and he's my shopping buddy! :) He is really the best among all of my friends, he's not gay - in case you're wondering.


Anyways, I'll try to work this friendship i hope in time she could be a good listener too. Like H and I.

Feelings

I am nice to everyone - to anyone, and I think it's pretty normal but why do people get so confused with that? I feel like I'm dealing with the same old situation. Back then, a guy fall for me because I am nice to him, which I am to almost everyone. Our classmate always makes fun of him or should I say it is somewhat bullying? I was trying to help him out and I was the one who sometimes stand by his side, when someone will hide his bag or shoes, I'll get it for him because I know it's the right thing to do. The suddenly I found out that he likes me. I was like "OMG. Why?" And the class starts teasing us, and of course it pissed me off! Not because they are making fun of me but because I don't know how to respond with that kind of situation. I don't see him anything more than a friend. I don't really accept feelings that I can't return, I don't even appreciate it. I know it's bad, but that's how I am. I just don't want him to be stuck around him and I am freakin aware that he got no chance. I don't want anyone to waste their love for someone like me, I want them to find someone who could accept and appreciate their love. Then... because he can't stop liking me, I started acting rude and bad around him, even though I hate being like that but for me at that time that was the best thing to do so that he could get over with that feelings of him for me. There are times when he would insist his feelings for me that makes me angry! When I say "NO" that means NO! Can't they get it? I don't want that sort of feelings! I can be his friend or even best friend but not "lover". And now, I think things happening again, and with a kind of guy that I don't really like, I don't even consider him as a friend! So things got so awkward around him, I don't like him! So I hope he will stop liking me or even better if he doesn't really have any feelings for me :)


There are times, that I regret acting so cruel when I found out their feelings for me. I keep saying to myself that I should appreciate that feelings of theirs, and I think I do it just that it sucks to know that I can't give the same feelings. I want them to give those feelings to someone who truly deserves it.