What a disappointment :|

Okay, so I've been very busy. - really busy! I've been doing my practicum, and I chose the professor that I admire as one of the 4 professors that I'll work with. And she turns out to be a disappointment.
I was so excited because I thought I'll learn a lot of things from her, also I thought she she's nice. Well, it turns out that she's not that so nice. She's been asking me to do a lot of things, which I believe that I'm not suppose to be doing. But of course, I still followed her orders after all, I still need her to give me some evaluation.

She's been texting me to do this, and to do that. She expects me to come to school at an hour that I'm not supposed to be in school, she expects me to do some errands for her! The hell? haven't she forgotten? She's not the only professor that I have to attend too. Damn it! And from all her orders that I followed, she haven't even said her "thanks" yet. A simple thank you will be enough! Haven't she learn that?

She wants me to do this, to look for these, to distribute these! Damn it! Haven't she forgotten that I only work for her once a week (yea, that's my schedule to her)? I'm not ready to face her, and I don't want to continue doing things for her! I used to look up to her, because she is a good professor, but maybe she's not a good boss.



If she gave me low scores on my evaluation... whatever! It's not like I can do something about it. I'll just exert more effort to my other professors who always says thanks, even with just a simple things.

Things aren't going my way

I've been observing that whenever I made plans things just don't turn into the way I wanted it. Of course in making plans I'm quite sure that it will went well. But now I have proven that things doesn't really go the way I wanted it.

I have this perfect plans and yet they end up being junk.

This morning I went to this university to apply for my practicum at school settings, I was totally sure that it will go the way I wanted it, but unfortunately it didn't. Prelim and Christmas vacation are coming, so they said that if we're really willing to work at their school and if we really want to learn we have to start at January. And January is not a good month because we were planning to start our other parcticum in clinical setting. So we need to make up our minds. *if you're wondering who's that "we" it me and my one friend.
So my friend and I talked about it, if we're going to stay or not. To be honest I don't really want that university, because it's too far. Though, at the same time I see it as a challenge because I have to get used to traveling that far and with all the pollution, but then again by January I have to start my other practicum. So it was a hard decision. My friend really want there so I just go with it.  So we made our decision to stay and wait until January and just finished that 100 hrs. So we can apply and if we are lucky we can get into the clinic we want. So we told the officer in charged that we will take it. Then on our way home that friend suddenly said that she will think again if she wants to pursue it. Wtf? I'm really pissed! We talked about it earlier and now she's thinking of changing her mind? Can't she stick to her decision? At the first place she wanted it so I just go with the flow! Damn. We already passed our résumé, I won't let her ruin my image just because of her confusion! I already gave up the 50% chance in working at my first choice clinic to gave in for her and now she's thinking of backing off? Hell no!


So it's annoying. Hopefully tomorrow-later our professor will allow us and won't confuse us again. She might approve our decision. Anyways, please Lord I hoping that it will all end well (very well). I hope I can graduate soon! Please! October next year!

Pause for a moment

I know I told you guys that I'll post the part 2 of my journey through depression, but I am not in the mood to write that since I am not feeling so down today. More than feeling down I miss something... I miss love. Yes, I do miss the feeling of in love, or do I even know the real feeling of love? I was young when I had a boyfriend, so I'm not really sure if it's love though it hurts when we broke up.... 

Through the years after the break up, with all the novels, mangas that I read and with all the tv dramas and movies that I watched... With all the reflection with all the experiences of me and the people around me, I come up with the definition of "love is a wonderful feeling" it's not suppose to hurt. ( well, case to case basis) love should always feel wonderful in a sense that it is right.

During the semestral break, I've been watching korean tv drama and once again I fell in love with it - with the actor. And it makes me miss love... I want to love again. I wanna know how the 19 year old me will love? My friends are curious too, because I think I grew a lot. I wanna know if I really did grow, I want to know if I'm mature enough to handle relationship.

Oh love. Who could you be? I want you... I am still waiting...

Part 1: My Journey Through Depression

Well, I haven't diagnosed for depression but I'm pretty aware that I suffered from depression though I wasn't sure when it all started because ever since I was young - I was sad, and probably until now I am sad (for this moment).

***

When I was young I really have low a self-esteem. I always felt ugly and well some of my relatives say's I looked like a street child. I don't comb my hair, I hate pony tails. I hate girly stuff. That's why when people will compliment me, I didn't believe them. My mom would always beat me up when I do something wrong, and even if I did nothing. I think she too suffered from depression, since she was not ready to have a child.

When I was young I always cried at night. I would beg to God to kill me. And of course I did think of suicide, but then I found out that it's wrong. So I decided not to do it, I don't want to go to hell. - That's what  I was thinking. I am living in a life of full of sadness and I don't want to spend my eternity in hell of sadness. I, at least want to be happy - true happiness. I endure all those pain, my mom stop beating me up when I reach high school. Well she'll spank me every now and then but not everyday, unlike before she'll say hurtful things accompanying with beating up. lol

I think in time I adapted to that. I have to endure that so I guessed my pain tolerance become stronger. I become introvert. I didn't have many friends when I was in grade school, but I didn't mind that because I at least have 2 friends so that's more than enough for me.

I have to thank anime (cartoons) because it was the one who help me to cope up with the depression. The only happy childhood memory that I have is watching anime. The only time I feel happy when I was young was when I watch anime. It's like anime become my friend. And there are lots of times where my parents won't allow me to watch anime and I would cry but not in front of them. I don't know when did I start hiding my tears from them. All I can remember was me trying so hard not to cry in front of them. Even though my mom would beat me, I wouldn't cry - at least not in front of her. I always look tough. I cannot show my weaknesses to anyone. I can't be vulnerable. 

Back then I also took care of my baby sister. I would go home early just to take care of her. I think she's nearly one year old at that time. I remember crying and wishing to God "Please, don't let my younger siblings experience what I experienced". I don't want them to be beaten up by my mother. And God, granted that wish. My mom didn't beaten them up, she rarely even spank them. I was happy for that, but I am also pissed because my youngest sister turned into a brat. She used to be a good kid when i was the one who took care of her, but when my mother stop working so she took over and now my sister is so mean. My mom would always give what she wants. More than being jealous, I was more pissed because my sister is so annoying. She can get things by crying.

What I really regret is hurting my brother. My mom didn't beaten him up, but I did. I feel guilty about it. I know that me being abusive to him has a huge impact. Now I stop beating him up, well I stop I guessed when he was in 5th grade. When I saw the way he looks at me, full of hate. I remember myself having those kind of eyes. I regret it the most. I regret hurting my brother. And I know that I can't turn back time, all I can do now is to be the a good sister.

I guessed when you were abusive you also tend to be abusive. That's why I don't want to have a child because I am afraid that I might just hurt them. Before I support abortion because I would rather die than to suffer like that. But of course as I grew up, it became all clear to me.

P.S my next post is the part 2 of my journey through depression.

Mood swings

Here I am again.  Feeling lonely ~~~~~ I feel like I am so close at having mood disorders. I suddenly feel so sad but of course there's a reason. I get annoyed easily. I get sad easily but of course I don't let my mood swings interfer with my daily life, but sometimes I just really feel sad. Like now.

I feel like, I am empty - lost. I have nothing. Oh God, I need your help, help me - strengthen me. Please our Lord. You know what I need. I trust you.




I'll be sleeping now. It seems like that longer I stay here, the lonelier I become. Good night humans, let's put heart at ease with God's help.



P.S
It's really amazing what God can do. I just think of him and his love then my heart slowly finds its temporarily peace. Please take away my unnecessary worries. Good night!

Is it just me?

Have you been reading my blogs? Or do any of you read my previous blogs?

I'm feeling kinda lonely at this moment. I feel like I am so selfish and insecure.

Haven't you guys notice that most of my previous post is about my best friend S? And we'll some of my other friends too who pissed me off. I wonder.... Maybe it was me who has issues and not them? Maybe I'm the annoying bitch and not them? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just got carried away by my mood swings.

***

I just hanged out with my best friends. It was fun but not enough. S keeps talking about her school and again I just shut up and listen to her stories. I don't even care about how close she was to that or to whom. Okay, I know I'm her best friend but I'm not her diary. She can't tell me every single thing that she does. I'm not even interested. And what makes me more pissed is that when it's my time to actually say something or share some story she starts texting and if she's not texting I know she's not listening - it's too obvious. She'll even change the topic or she will tell something that happened to her at that day. I wished she could have just listen!

***

After a long time I finally got to hangout with H (my guy best friend) and what can I say he is really the best! He always listen and let's me talk! But sometime I could feel that we have this huge gap. It's like we both changed so much in just half a year of not hanging out - true hangout. We do go out sometimes but he always have to leave so early because he too has tons of deadlines to catch. So after our meeting today, I realize how great he is. He's the perfect bestfriend - he is the best! I just missed the times were we talked almost everyday. Talking about any random thoughts. Talking about my theories. He's plans! We shared our dreams together. *don't get a wrong idea. He's just a friend and perhaps a brother. We grow up together.

***

My another close guy friend, let's call him Fin. Fin and I are really close, we got to talked almost about anything especially about his sex life. One time I decided to let him hangout with S and in instant they got close. I was jealous and pissed of course, it is because S keeps bragging about how amazing it is that in instant they got close to each other. She keeps saying that and I know they will of course be close because Fin is a nice guy. He's like a friend that you could bring anywhere and a friend you could introduce to another friend. It just pissed me off because S feels like it was a big deal, well Fin is a good looking guy so maybe that was makes it big deal for her. But it was just so lame to brag that out. And when Fin called her in the middle of the night she keeps telling that to me, and it's so ironic that Fin also tried to call me but I actually rarely checked my phone. It is always on silent mode so I wasn't able to picked it up. Then S keeps telling me that Fin shares some stories to her and that she's more close to her. I really wanted to punch her face when she told me that. I don't care if he tells her whole life story to her. I don't care if he called him. He's my friend too and he can be anyone's friend. So why brag that? It's like everything is a big deal for her! Gosh. Is it her first time to actually have a good looking guy friend? Damn it.

Yes, I admit that I was jealous but I know it's my fault too for always putting my phone on silent mode and that he couldn't reach me. Of course I wished that I should know it first because he's like my brother too. But it's totally fine if he's close with S. Why would I even bring him with me if I don't want him to be friends with my best friends, right? I just wished that S won't make it sound like it was a big deal.

---

So what do you think? Is it just me? Am I the one whose wrong? I'm just so pissed. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just insecure. It even crossed my mind that maybe she wants to make herself feel superior. I know S had a tough life when we were young. I know that it is her blooming year, because she gets the attention that she always wanted. I am happy but at the same time sad, because I feel like she's dragging me down (making me feel down). Are we really best friends? I feel like there's a strong competition between us - competition of what? Tsk. I feel like we both don't know each other.

Finding Jesus Christ right beside me

So I was seating in our sofa and right beside me there's a book. It was a book about the teaching of Jesus Christ and God. The author talks about her experiences and other people stories and she relates it to the words in bible - words of God. It's been there for like years, my mom was the one who was reading that but I never actually saw her read that. So I tried reading it before but I got bored so I stop.

A while ago, I was pissed at my youngest sister then I suddenly remember my friend who told me how shock she and the entire class when they heard me speak - read in english. I guessed you could say that I have this perfect western accent. It's my talent, imitating different nations accent. I can also guess your nationality by just talking, not because I am familiar with their language rather I was familiar with their accent. So I want to try reading out loud to hear if what she's saying is true - if there's really a wow factor.

~~~~~~~ So I grab this book at my left side, turn to page whatever my hand tuned on and read it out loud. And of course in reading aloud you must also understand it. So while reading it since it's about God and religion, I am more cautious.  I have my own belief and most of the times I try to questions other people's religion because I don't belong to any religion but I could proudly say that I do believe in God. So as I am reading, I find myself saying okay on what she's saying but also there are parts where I couldn't understand what she's saying. I try to read the different pages (every page talks about different topic), so I turn into this page that talks about Jesus Christ. I used to question Jesus Christ. Like, why people follow him? why he's the way through our God? Why do they call him the "Only Son" of God???

I grew up knowing that we are all sons and daughters of God, and yet there is Christ who they call the only son of God? As a child it was very confusing. I was a roman catholic, and to be honest I think it was that religion that makes me question everything about God. They have this contradictory teaching. We have religion class when I was  in grade school and none of my teachers actually makes me accept that religion. So I must say that I grew up doubting religion and it makes me also doubt God. I also got to the point where I say I don't believe in God, but it was all thanks to Him that I was able to find Him again.

Until now I am still in the deep quest of understanding God. But I must say that I do believe in Him. I just want to have a better understanding of Him - to serve Him. I accepted God, but not Jesus Christ. For me he's just a prophet. I didn't understand it before why they call him the only son of God while they say that we are all child of God. It's very irritating and confusing. So I must say that I envied, I was jealous. I had this question - Why him? Why is he the chosen one if all of us are God's child. I was embarrass for that jealousy of mine. I was just like Judas or Satan?

But after reading that book, that phrase "He is the only son of God" I thought it was gonna make me feel irritated but I didn't. I suddenly remember one Muslim said to me that we are not the child of God, he is our creator our parents our Adam and Eve. Then I remember the story about how was Jesus Christ was born that it was the Holy Spirit, that was sent by God. He's not really like us, but God wants to make us feel closer to him that's why he wants his son to be with us - to live on earth. He's like our half brother (just kidding)! He gave us his son, and through Jesus Christ we could reach God.

So yea, after that realization. That question was gone, not totally though - of course I still have a lot of understanding to do. I still doubt religions.

Anyways, I want to thank God for answering my question that I've been asking for ever since I was young.

Sorry friend, I can't always be there and feed your id.

Okay. So I've been so busy with this past weeks and I'll still be busy for next week (final exams week) and during the semester break.

So this last few weeks, I had lots of deadlines to catch. I've been doing my case study, shooting, reports, and lots of experiments! So I'm exhausted! I hadn't been attending my class just to finished my case study because I have to meet my client and he's being uncooperative. It actually make me feel like I'm a failure! 

Anyways, with all the stress that I'm having with school stuff, S (my girl best friend) is adding up to my stress! She freakin knows that I hate it when people disturb me especially in my busy moment. If I'm not contacting them, that means that I don't want to talk, and I told her for like a hundreds of times that I'm BUSY, still she's disturbing me! It's annoying, and to be honest even though I'm not busy I still don't want to talk to her. She's been talking and talking a lot, and I'm not interested!

She's having a problem with just a lame stupidity of hers. I think she's just an immature flirt. She's flirting with her crush and then when her crush holds her hand - she let him! because she was so damn scared because they were walking in the dark. Stupid right? Don't she dare tell me that she couldn't do anything! She do something but she chose to let that dude hold her hand, and she chose not to do anything. And now she's whining how guilty she was? That's she doesn't know what to do? that's she's in a crazy situation??? For God sake! Deep inside she wants it, and now she's regretting it? She's just feeding her ego that's why she wants to brag that out. If she wants to brag out her stupid action then she could do that with her other friends! I'm busy, and I keep telling her that I'm busy and I'll contact her after I'm done with all this stuff. Still she keeps calling! What makes me more pissed is when she's calling while on my class!

Now I realize that I can't always be there for my friends or should I say I choose not to be there? It's a lame problem! It's not like she's gonna die? Can't she get over that? If she really feels guilty about it, just say sorry to her boyfriend and forget everything! Okay I know she's just feeling her femininity now, but it doesn't mean that she can be a flirt? What's even worse is she never listen to me! So what's the point with all the talking if she won't listen to me? If she just want someone to listen to her, she have her other friends to brag that out. I don't want to listen with her constant whining about how she regret this and that, or how stupid she was or how sweet that crush of hers or how overwhelming attention she receives from guys. It's the same story over and over again. I don't want to feed her id. I'm freakin tired with it! Anyways, next week I'm gonna hangout with her, so I'll let this out! I'll tell her how stupid she was. lol

But for now, I just need to express it with this blogs.

You must not label or define someone

So I have this friend, let's call her N (sorry for using initials). She's my classmate in most of my class. She's like my best bud because two of our friends stop studying. At first, I don't really feel like hanging out or just being around her because she appear to have this bitch attitude. N is smart, that's why when you hear her talking or in having a report she appeared to be a bitch. But as I got to know her, she's not that bad and I guessed I am adjusting well to her personalities. I'm quite slow and thanks to her my brain is finally stimulating. We share some plans after college, and she's very giving. Anyways, so in our first few months of friendship we (with our other 2 friends) talked about relationships; past, and present. Actually they are the only one who's talking about it, I don't really like sharing my past with people, specially knew friends. They forced me to speak about it so, I told them that my first and last relationship was 5 or 6 years ago. They keep asking me why we broke up and I don't want to tell them. At that time, I also don't know what to tell. I mean, it was a bad yet a calm break up. I am clearly not aware why we broke up, though I know deep inside my heart it was my fault. - I was a flirt. I can't tell them that I was a flirt because that's clearly the least thing you could imagine me doing if you see me now. I'm this geeky - nerd - not that feminine girl now. But ever since young I'm not girly girl, to be honest I want to be a guy before because I feel like if your a boy, you have all this freedom to play around. My parents is really strict when I was young, like I can't play with boys because I am girl, and the only kid in our neighborhood who has the same age as mine is a boy! So who's gonna be my playmate, huh? I think when I was young I long for brother figure, or father? My dad only goes home like once a year the longest time he'll spent with us is 3 months and that is because of his work. So I rather play with guys, because I see them as brother and my girl schoolmates are pretty mean! Anyways, I also hates wearing accessories, except plastic accessories. I prefer to wear a plastic or made with thread necklace than a gold or silver ones - yuck. So I don't like guys who wore accessories, especially those who have a piercing. I don't even have a earnings so how come they have that? But I do love cute things :3

 back to the story...

So during our conversation, she told me that maybe I am a "homosexual" because I haven't been in a relationship for that long. So I was like "the F?" Okay, I know I am quite boyish. I like sports (though, I've got a weak stamina), and remote control car.  I don't like make-ups and jewelries. I am not as graceful as those girly girl kids,  I like white not pink. I am not that sweet as a "normal" girl should be. But hell, how come you define someone sex preference by those kind of things? I don't normally get pissed off with people says that I'm a "tomboy" because I know I'm not. But when N insist that I'm a "tomboy" that pissed me off. Come on dude! I told you that I'm straight, yes I'm quite boyish but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a tomboy? I haven't been in any relationship first is because there's no one actually ask me on a date, and if there is I don't like him. And if ever I like that person who asked me, they normally give up in pursuing me - yea, I'm kinda hard to get or should I say I play hard to get. Second reason, is because I'm such a coward, I hate revealing myself to anyone, and to act so cuddling to someone is terrifying. Third reason: I learned with my first relationship. I was young back then, after that broke up I detached myself to everything! TO EVERYONE. I actually isolate myself from my old friends. Those years, I reflected to myself. So it pissed me off, when she keep insisting that I'm a shibs(tomboy), and what's worst is that she also tells that to everyone! Like earlier she told my gay friend "that girl who pretends to be a girl" - The fvck! Okay, maybe that's a joke but it's not funny because she actually sound very convincing. And she keeps on telling that. Whenever a topic will arise about relationship or being girly she will always say that I won't get it because I'm shibs. And it pissed me off. I told her that I'm not, and I think it's very clear that I'm not, but why does she always insist that I'm shibs? I know we grew up in different environment and she has a lot of shib friends and she's surrounded by them a lot. So maybe she doesn't know that you can be a "pure straight girl" without having SEXUAL EXPERIENCE and  BOYFRIEND. If there's a guy I really like of course I want to be with him, but the thing is... I haven't found that man that will give me butterflies in my stomach, makes my knees weak... Okay, I will admit it, sometimes I really wonder that I'm a homo - having her telling me that I am and knowing that she's surrounded by homo before, makes me actually question my identity. So I tried to reflect... But what makes you a homo? What's up with that labeling thing? Like in Freud personality theory, there's this animus and anima. I am not attracted to girls, I don't even get it why your going to be attracted to your same sex? But I do have this boyish side - not wanting jewelries and make-ups makes you a bit boyish right? lol

Actually that gay friend of ours believe her at first when she told him that I'm shibs. So I was like "hell no". I mean, being homo is not that a big deal, if I am a homo why would I deny it? I think I'm family would love that because I will be able to support my siblings; pay for their college because I won't have kids. Anyways the whole point is, why would she insist that? I thought I got used to it - about her insisting that to me and sometimes she will even shout that. To be honest, I don't do anything about it anymore. What's the point in defending yourself if she keeps on saying that? I told her that I'm not a shib so I think that's enough. I just worried that people may actually believe that, and those cute guys in our bldg. will think that I'm not interested to them. Hahaha! And oh yea, I forgot to tell you that she even told to her other friends and relatives that she has a strong feeling that I'm a shib. (o0o) I knew that because she told me that. That's quite out of the line. It makes me sad because she's my friend, and true friends don't do that. I mean, in our few years of friendship I assumed that she knows me well enough. Still, she keeps on saying those. I'm so fed up with that. Those people who knows you well, won't define you. My friends in high school and elementary, because they know me so well they don't label me. - they don't define me. I just wish that she'll stop saying those things especially in public. I just don't get it why she keeps on insisting that. I am freakin tired on speaking up, telling that I'm not so I just shut up. Hopefully in time she'll know me well and stop that!

And also, she's pressuring me to get a boyfriend! Okay, if I could just have one then I will definitely have one! But I haven't found that man yet! I am trying to wait patiently for that prince charming, and I even prayed to God that if he thinks I'm ready then give it to me :) I don't want to rush things again like what I did when I was young. That turn out to be quite messy, it makes me more insecure, and I don't want that to ever happen again. I want to have that real happiness. I have suffered enough when I was young, I think I deserve to have that true happiness.

Anyways your wondering, she's straight. N have a cute but childish boyfriend, that she's having a problem to deal with.

Maybe in my future post, I'll tell you about my painful childhood life.

Busy & Bored

Have you ever had this feeling of boredom? Like I am effin busy and yet I feel so bored. I have this lab report that I should finished today because I need to pass it tomorrow, still I don't feel like doing it. I started doing this two days ago; it's a super long lab report. I hate doing this, what makes me hate it even more is because my professor NEVER read the lab reports that I passed - we passed. What lazy professor, huh? He's nice, but he's not suited to be a called as a "professor".


I know I'm busy, and I should probably continue working in my lab report. I woke up today at 5:30PM - yes, I told you my body has a different time zone. Maybe I should consider moving to the west? I need some motivation! =_= I'm currently looking for interesting blogs here at blogspot, and I haven't found one. Most of the blogs that I found, talks about motherhood, and Christianity - Jesus Christ. And I'm not interested with that. I don't belong to any religious groups, in case your wondering, but I am not an atheist - definitely not. I believe in God, it's just that I chose to believe it in my own way. I read bible before, and I have my own interpretation with that. Believing without religion - I prefer it this way. This way, I feel like I'm on track - on the right track. Though, I must say that I still have some questions but God makes his own way in answering those questions. I self talk - a lot! and sometimes I find myself answering my own question I raised for God, then I realize it was God who answered those questions. He uses me in answering my own questions. Awesome right? :) Carl Jung calls it the wise old man, but I call him God.

I'm supposed to be writing about busyness and boredom and yet here I am talking about God. Well, anyway that's how I think. My mind is random, that's why everything I post is random. It changes like how my mood swings.

Goodbye for now, I really need to finish this.

Ghost blogger

I am envious to Ghost. I wanna call her Ghost, because her blog says "ghost" so let's just name her Ghost. She's my classmate in most of my subjects, and she lend me a novel called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, which is currently showing. Some say, Ghost is weird but I say she's just different. Also, one of my friend said that Ghost is gay, but reading her blogs, it kinda give me a hint that she's not or maybe she's bi? Lol. Enough with label thing! I think Ghost kinda cool, though she's lazy when it comes to school works. She's not my friend yet - yes, yet because I want to her to be my friend, because I think that I can learn something from her. Also, I kinda pity her because most of the times I see her alone. If you noticed, I kinda have a soft heart for those who are bullied, loner, and misunderstood. 

~~~

I am busy and bored, so I decided to check on my twitter - found nothing there, then facebook - I saw some updates about Ghost tumblr post, because I couldn't find any blog that actually makes sense I decided to visit her blog and hoping that it's good. So I click the "personal" tagged and started reading her blog. God, she's good! I know she's good but I can't believe she actually this good. I mean, her words, are so rich. I like her writing tone. It made me realize how terrible I am into writing and I wish that I have a wide vocabulary knowledge, and knows the proper usage of the punctuation marks, conjunctions and so on. Like what I say in my previous blog, I don't have any troubles when it comes to speaking. My accent can be deceiving that makes you think that I am effin fluent in english, and I'm not. So I am envious of her writing skill. I bet she could be one of the best writer. Her skills, plus her different yet so meaning perception, her outlook in life, I know she can make a best seller novel. Ghost is really good, I wanna to be able to write my thoughts properly too >_<

I guessed I need to have a proper knowledge in proper writing. Hmmmm... But before that, I need to get back to my school stuff. I need to focus with this effin lab experiment that has full of discrepancies. 

A bit of a history

Break time.

My reading background:

So yesterday I was so into writing. Reading a real novel again reminds me one of my dream in life and that is to write a novel. I started reading novels when I was in my senior year of high school, and believe it or not, the first novel I read was "Twilight Saga". Before I don't really like reading, I mean I do read manga (a japanese comic book) and I am addicted to it, though I must say that I started reading manga's during summer of my junior year in HS. So yea, I'm knew into reading, I tried it before and I got bored. Then Twilight Saga came and I started to be so addicted in reading novels, I remember I spent the entire 3rd and 4th quarter of my high school life in reading Twilight Saga and other novels that I forgot the titles and the authors. - Sorry for that. When I entered college, I meet a lot of people who also likes reading, so I am very thankful for that because they are my sources, I never brought a book with my own money, I just borrowed them. I rather buy food than book. But in my sophomore year, I decided to transfer to other university because I don't like the curriculum they offer for my course, so I decided to transfer to my current school, which I know compare to my first university this one sucks. - Don't get me wrong, it sucks in a way that I'm not satisfied with the professors and well the environment too and the students or maybe it's just that my previous university is one of the BEST school in the country so transferring to this school is a huge shock to me, but anyways I'm still here and I must say it's not that bad and I kinda get used to this.

So in this school I only met few people who actually read novels - I just met them. So I am feeling happy because I now found people that I can borrow books but then I realize I am so busy with school stuff. =_=

Oh. I forgot to mention that I learned how to read when I was in 2nd grade. I know, it's kinda late. My parents got me a tutor back then but it didn't work, they just give up because I still couldn't read no matter how hard they teach me. So when I was in 2nd grade my teacher in Filipino will always ask us to read a story out loud in front of the class. We call her "teacher Jenny" I can never forget her, because of her I was forced to teach my self how to read! Yea, I did it on my own - I'm kinda proud of that. I don't want to be embarrassed in front of the whole class, so I actually have the motivation to practice reading. I know the basics of course, like "a"-"e"-"i"-"o"-"u" so I used that to teach myself.

My English grades:

Since pre-school we have english class, and since then I suck at it. I always got "C", "D" and "E". I just don't get it, I mean the whole "S-V" - I don't know what it calls. Also, the proper usage of "there, are, in, on, into, this, these..." and so on, I'm not an expert in using them. Most of you who read my past posts probably noticed that. So, YEA - I suck at english. To be honest I prefer to learn Japanese instead of english and that is because I am addicted to anime too.

Things change when I was in my senior year, because I was so into reading. Though I was good at essay writing even before, I started improving in my senior year in HS. I don't just improve in writing but also in speaking. I didn't know how good I am at speech until my teacher ask us to have a speech. So that inspire me more to improve myself in writing and speaking. Then I got to this one of the "BEST" university in the country - I wanna emphasize the "BEST" word because that university is truly one of the "BEST". To be honest, I still can't believe that I passed the entrance exam and the interview there. The professors are great so I learned a lot, things that I thought that was hard is not as hard as I thought it was so I am contended. In my current school... well, I took 2 english subject here that I needed, it was fine.

In exams, I suck again. I never had a "A" or "B" in my exams in english, but I must say in application I'm doing better. In writing even though I have some troubles, I still manage to at least write something that makes sense and the grammar is fine - I guessed? In speech, well I know I'm good at that.

For now, I still need a lot of improving especially if I want to write a novel, which I tried by the way. It's freakin hard! I thought it's gonna be easy but it's not.

As of 1:07AM

I really have a irregular sleeping habits. I don't know if it's insomnia or what, but I want to think that my body just have a different time zone - like a forever jet lag. I have been always like this. Since I don't want to sleep, though I must admit I am sleepy now, because it's a tiring day. I want to start writing about my thoughts as of the moment.

Lately I have been talking to my friends, let me call her "P" and her as "D". P is currently suffering from heart ache, because her ex boyfriend broke up with him and he's the first guy who she dated seriously and now she feels like her ex found someone already. While, D... well she is in love with her best friend! Ugh. Still don't get it why people fall for their best friends, I have H, if you remember him. We've been friends like forever and I never see him anything more than a friend! Oh, yea he is like a brother. Anyways, so D is so madly in love with her best friend, and her best friend has a girl friend - it sucks, right? So they've been doing something naughty D and her so called best friend, I just hate that goat for hurting her! Now, she decided to actually move on (she's trying). As of me, well I'm single for like 6 years! It just that after my last relationship failed, I suddenly feel detached. I isolated myself, I changed or should I say I just returned to the person I used to be... but now, I am longing for love.

Let's put it this way, P want's to get over with her ex, D want's to find her prince charming and me, Sola who want's love again. Them having a broken heart, and me who's been empty for so long! I rather be broken than empty. Emptiness sucks. Broken, well it sucks too.

While most of our friends are happy with their boyfriends we are loner. lol - It makes me want to make a story about the 3 of us finding our way to love, but I guessed a  true story is better than a make up story, so I'll just updated you on how we're gonna make it! I hope we could hangout during sem break.

P.S When you read my past blog, you might be confused by the way I write, I know my english sucks. Also, the time transition, to protect my identity I kinda make it confusing and the names too. Sorry.

1:29AM

A best friend who never really listen

So I was hanging out with my two best friends, let's name them HE & SHE because he's a HE and she's a SHE. We've been friends for a long long time! Yea, like really long. At first I don't really consider S as a best friend because I can't really be true to myself around her, I just hangout with her because she was bullied, and I don't know how it all happens but we become friends and suddenly she's stuck with me. I don't really like her at first, and I feel guilty about it. When we were you, S has a weird smell but maybe because I have a very very sensitive nose, and it triggers my migraine. Anyways, I didn't know how I survive that smell of hers, but thank God she smells fine now - I guessed? maybe I'm just used with that. lol

Being friend turn me to something quite mean, like after being her friend my original best friend let's name her "K" we got into a fight and I betrayed her. I really regret that, even though I know that what she did was wrong but still I shouldn't have betrayed her even though I got pissed at her. K and I are still good friends but we never really saw each other after high school graduation and during high school we barely talk, I guessed I couldn't face her because I know I am such a stupid girl.

During high school I have this friend let's call her "A", A has a broken family and I guessed mad and pissed at her family, she's lonely. We hangout during our 6th grade, then when we got into high school we still hangout out but not as often as we were back in our 6th grade. She turn to be kinda bitchy girl, she gave her virginity to someone who's like 24 (not sure) and she was 13 or 12 back then? She started drinking and smoking and I don't do that kind of stuff and she also got an abortion. I didn't know that until when I was in 3rd yr. college. I feel bad, because I know I could help her, but I didn't ask her if she's fine because I was busy with my blooming teenage life. When we were in our junior year if I can remember it right? "A" migrated to North America, and before she go there, I saw her walking at this mini restaurant in front of my best friend "S" subdivison. I saw her, I'm with S that time and we are going to the mall, before we ride a cab, A called me and I wanted to have a long talk at her. I could see at her eyes that she's over joyed seeing me and wants to have a long chat with me, since we haven't really see each other after she quieted high school because she's going to NA. "A" even bother to go across the street with me just to have a talk but then a cab suddenly came and S force me to ride, and for some reason I followed her. I could in A eyes her sadness and disappointed. I feel really guilty. When I got home, I saw A again but this time she's aloof the I realize I must have gotten hurt her. I wanted to say sorry but there's no words that coming out to my mouth. So yea, ever since that day we haven't talk. I feel guilty.




I know I shouldn't blame S for my betrayal to A and K because it was my choice. But I realize I've been an idiot ever since I become friend with S. I got pissed  at her, so I stop talking to her and I told my issues with her but not about this stuff, I told her that it's not good that she's taking our friendship for granted because during her debut she thanked everyone except us (me and H) so I was really pissed and I realized that I've been valuing a wrong person. We are best friends and she forgot to thank us??? Like hell! So I didn't talked for her for like a year? After that we become best friends again and she listen to all my complains and she's improving.



Now after hanging out with her, I realize one thing. She never listens to me. I am very secretive person, even to them, so I rarely talk about something so I expect them to listen when I talk and she doesn't listen to me! She keeps on interrupting me, and what sucks is when I know for a fact that I always listen to her! I'm a good listener, I bet I am. So yea, it sucks to realize that until now the person who I consider as "best" friend is not like a "best" friend at all :|



And for H, I don't really have any complains. He always, listen to me and he's my shopping buddy! :) He is really the best among all of my friends, he's not gay - in case you're wondering.


Anyways, I'll try to work this friendship i hope in time she could be a good listener too. Like H and I.

Feelings

I am nice to everyone - to anyone, and I think it's pretty normal but why do people get so confused with that? I feel like I'm dealing with the same old situation. Back then, a guy fall for me because I am nice to him, which I am to almost everyone. Our classmate always makes fun of him or should I say it is somewhat bullying? I was trying to help him out and I was the one who sometimes stand by his side, when someone will hide his bag or shoes, I'll get it for him because I know it's the right thing to do. The suddenly I found out that he likes me. I was like "OMG. Why?" And the class starts teasing us, and of course it pissed me off! Not because they are making fun of me but because I don't know how to respond with that kind of situation. I don't see him anything more than a friend. I don't really accept feelings that I can't return, I don't even appreciate it. I know it's bad, but that's how I am. I just don't want him to be stuck around him and I am freakin aware that he got no chance. I don't want anyone to waste their love for someone like me, I want them to find someone who could accept and appreciate their love. Then... because he can't stop liking me, I started acting rude and bad around him, even though I hate being like that but for me at that time that was the best thing to do so that he could get over with that feelings of him for me. There are times when he would insist his feelings for me that makes me angry! When I say "NO" that means NO! Can't they get it? I don't want that sort of feelings! I can be his friend or even best friend but not "lover". And now, I think things happening again, and with a kind of guy that I don't really like, I don't even consider him as a friend! So things got so awkward around him, I don't like him! So I hope he will stop liking me or even better if he doesn't really have any feelings for me :)


There are times, that I regret acting so cruel when I found out their feelings for me. I keep saying to myself that I should appreciate that feelings of theirs, and I think I do it just that it sucks to know that I can't give the same feelings. I want them to give those feelings to someone who truly deserves it.

Writing a story

Writing a story or a novel is not an easy task. A couple of minutes ago, I decided to actually write the story that I made up while I was day dreaming and it's freakin hard! I didn't expect it to be this hard. It's hard because unlike in day dreaming you don't actually need the actual location of the place. I don't need to know every single details about that place as long as I have this picture in my mind that would be enough.
In writing, you actually have to be knowledgeable about the place or the setting especially if your trying to write something that is real or at least when your using a setting that actually exist in real world. I have to google everything, and it's annoying. I realized that in writing something that is not fictional or something that could possibly happen you also need to have a clear picture of what you really want and you must have experience the place. How can you make it so realistic if you, yourself doesn't really know the actual feelings of it? So a writer must be a adventurer, a traveler, and a man who cherish every single feelings they have; whether it's painful or not. - Actually, I could write better when I'm in pain. I just loved it how much realization I have when I'm in pain. I mean when your in your happy mode you're so much into it and just embracing that moment. No reflections has been made just full of appreciation. Yes, it is good but still for me when I am in happy mode I couldn't write anything that actually make sense! Not all the times, though.

Anyways, back on my topic about how hard writing can be. I used to thought that you actually don't have to experience something in order for you to write it, and I was wrong you actually have to experience it. (I'm talking about non fiction here) You have to experience that exact feelings that you intended to write. Whether you experience it through life experiences or just by reading another novel or watching, the bottom line is you have to experience it, you have to feel it!

In writing a setting again, you have to know the place really well. You want your readers to actually picture the place and experience the place. So yea, I find this really hard. Having emotional tone in your writing can be easy because you set that emotional tone but in picturing a setting that you haven't seen is quite hard, thank God there's google! But still, google is not enough.


So I have that in the near future I can actually write the stories that I made up and have it published but first I have to go to the places that I dreamed of; the setting of my stories.

My past time

Whenever and wherever I go, I will always keep on dreaming... It doesn't matter if it's in a public vehicle or even while I'm walking, I will always find myself day dreaming but of course, I do it without others realizing it; I don't laugh or talk to myself while walking or when I'm in public places - I'm not that crazy. lol

Day dreaming become my past time. Before I sleep I will always imagine, in morning if I don't have classes I will just lay down and day dream or when I have a class, I day dreamed while traveling. This past time of mine is so addictive and mind you I don't just day dream, I make up stories! - Yea, a continuous one! So I decided to share the story that I made up.

Dreaming

Here I am again, fascinating about the impossible future. It sucks that I am too futuristic and idealistic, but what can I do? I can only dream/imagine.

I spent my days imagining the future with Chace Crawford or Robert Pattinson. lol
It's funny and creepy how I make up stories in my mind and it's a continuous stories! Sorry for that. It's just that I am so hooked up with this Christian Grey thing, that makes me want love with a hot man ;) Yea, I know it sound crazy, and I hope that soon I'll get over with this thing just like I move on with Twilight Saga.

But honestly, I never actually get what I want though I could say that God always gives me what I need and in some aspects he blesses me more than what I think I deserve so I am thankful with that. So I will just let him lead the way. Just go with the flow and expect the worst but hope for the best, and now I need to focus here in the present world, and just do my very best!

"I am too busy dreaming about the future, I didn't realize that I have been wasting my present time that I will regret in the future."

"Your only assurance in a good future is the effort you put in your present."


by me :)

Fifty Shades

I just finished reading Fifty Shades Trilogy and like any other novels or manga's that I read, I find it hard to move on, I just can't get enough with the story - not the sex though. I like their love story. I like how possessive they are in each other. It's nice to have Mr. Christian Grey.

Reading book 1 which is Fifty Shades Grey is like reading my well um... own thoughts. Like Anasatasia Steele, I also long for those trembling knees, butterflies in stomach and whatever you feel when you're in love. I haven't felt it in a long time, do I even felt it before? lol. Though the book is poorly written, I think it is quite good. It's very dreamy and teenage like story. 

Book 2 - Fifty Shades Darker is my favorite, because the start of it is really sweet. Though it has a lot of sex - a lot.

Book 3 - Fifty Shades Freed is good, because it has bonus chapters! I really want to know more about Christian Grey thoughts, I wish E L James will published a book being Christian Grey the narrator.

Reading those 3 books, makes me crave for love.  I haven't really thought about wanting to fall in love because I am too focus with my studies, and I'm just enjoying my life as it is even though I long for it, sometimes I will ask God for it but I'm not really into it until I read Fifty Shades Trilogy. Fifty Shades Trilogy makes you feel refresh, makes you wonder how it feels to be truly in love and most of all it makes you realize how wonderful love can be. Love can be the cure for everything, though it can be also the reason of every pain.

All in all Fifty Shades trilogy is not as you good as any other novel, I could say that it is poorly written, though it is quite entertaining and well It's like a cheap drug.