Family

HA! I am f*cking tired of all these shit. I won't even bother to explain myself to any of my family members. They won't get me, they never did... they never will. And that is the truth that I accepted long ago.

I am tired. Tired of dealing with all the dramas. Family, what the hell is family? Do they expect me to give up my dreams for them? Do they expect me to give up my life for them?? We only have one life. Fucking one life! They could give up theirs, why would they ask for mine. They can call me whatever they want. I don't expect anything from them, and they shouldn't expect anything from me as well.

I am willing to help, but I am not willing to take your responsibility. I hate traditional responsibility and obligations. They consume you, they want you dead. First it will ask for your time then slowly you will end up dead. I am selfish. I am perfectly aware of that, and I believe I already established that. I am not selfless. I will give only what I can give. I wont give in my own extent. Call me self-centered, I live my life for myself, if I don't, then who will?

Now, I am the bad child. The ungrateful one. The only who wont give a penny to her parents. Damn it! They are strong as hell. They are educated, why not use it? Just a little help? Screw you! I give you help once and then you asked - oh let me changed that... you demanded more??? What the hell?? I am deviant. You should have known that! For god sake, you guys brought me up! You should have known it! You should have never expected anything from me!


I have dreams to follow. I have to support my own dreams. Why would I give it up for you? You fucked up my childhood - my life. You fucked up my psychological being. This dream that I have, this is the only thing that keeps me going. I refuse to die miserable. I have spent my childhood days, crying every single fucking night! Hurt with all those shit that you tell me. Hurt for every blow of physical pain you give me. It was so damn hard not to hate you. It is damn hard not to curse you. I spend my teenage life, trying so hard not to hate you, not to hate myself, not to hate the world. I spend my life trying so fucking hard to forgive and forget. I accepted all of your shit because your my parent(s). I accepted how irrational you guys are. I accepted every shit that you give me just not to hate all of you. I know I will always look bad in your eyes, but it never crosses my mind that you also want me to look bad to the eyes of other people. Horay! Thank you for spreading in the world how awful I am as a child, how ungrateful I am. I don't even have the guts to tell to anyone what you did to me! I am ashamed that my very own parents abuse me. I am ashamed that I went through all of that. I never tell anyone, afraid that it will ruin your image. After all, you guys are my parents. I should protect your image.

But you just crossed the line. I will never ever allow you guys to hurt me again. I will never ever spend my remaining days on earth suffering, and crying miserable. I refuse to let you ruin my life. I refuse to let you stole my life away. I had enough.

Someday, I will break away. I will leave this hell. Where is home anyway? I guess I have to find it in other place. I am awful.



P.S

Readers, forgave my inconsistent and grammatical errors most are intentional because sometimes I'm just pertaining to one, and sometimes I'm pertaining to both.

Torn

I am TORN. Not between two lovers, though (I wish!).

I am torn between flying away, meaning I could save my sanity and just start a fresh new life but flying away means that I have to put hold on to my dreams. If I stay, then I have live my everyday life in chaos with a constant stress which wouldn't help me in achieving my dreams.

I have this acting out tendencies. I tend to oppose in whatever my family want for me. They want me to go abroad because of the money, of course! A part of me want it too... I want to get out of this place... I want to start fresh. Now that I'm about to graduate, I think that is what I really need. But if I go abroad that means that I have to put on hold of my dream being a psychologist. Of course, if I go to first world countries my degree wouldn't matter. I am from a third world country so they will think that my education doesn't have the same quality. I must admit, I do agree with that. The knowledge that I have is limited.
If I'm going to stay here, that means that I have to live my everyday life with their constant nagging, bullshit and just severe stress. If I'm going to live away from home (just away not abroad. lol) - if I'm going to be independent... well, that can be financially draining. I have to pay for the rent, electricity, water, internet, food... oh just tons of bills. Living with my parents can save me some gran, but of course I have to give them something to make them shut up. I have to save money for my grad school, and my goal is to save at least half a million within 2 years. lol - Yes, it sound so impossible but I believe everything is possible.


*sigh* But now that I'm thinking about it... I think the first goal is to save my sanity, so yes - I choose to fly away, but then there's no opportunity -yet. If my relatives abroad will ask me again to go there, then I will accept it. Forget about the pride! Just save my sanity. Of course, I have to work here, gain experience... and just ready myself for the bigger world. Oh.. I kinda feel excited by the thought of me flying away. Not running away, flying away! :)

Now what?

I'm about to graduate... so in just 1 week, I will face the 'real world'. I didn't realize that the processed of getting in the real world can be tough as well.

Anyways, I've been job searching online. And it's damn hard. I check out almost all of the hospitals and clinics within the metro, but all doesn't have any vacancies. It sucks. I don't want to work in a Human Resource Department. My internship in industrial psychology is awful. I didn't enjoy it at all. So I realize, that office thing is not for me. I prefer to work in a psychiatric facilities; interacting with the patients. I can also work as a teacher. I think I have a ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), I can't do the same thing for a long time. So yes, that's the main reason why I hate working as an HR because they just do the same thing over and over again. Yes, working in clinics and hospitals have their routines too but at least you get to interact to you patients and learn from the whole experience. Trust me working in a psychiatric facilities has full of surprises.

So yea, like always I am pretty lose again. -___- What should I do?? Well, I know what should I do, it just that I feel like there's no opportunities. Oh! Opportunities can cost a lot. Nothing is free in the world anymore. I want to work in clinical setting, but all of them wants applicants with experience. Fuck it. How will I gain a experience if they won't give me one?? Most of them wants applicants that also has their masters or at least enrolled in one, how can I enroll to a graduate school if I don't freakin have money to pay for the tuition fees??? Damn it!

Okay. I will stop complaining since it won't change anything.  I just hope that someone will give me a opportunity to work with them! :)

Not so typical "girl"

LADY OF MY OWN

You see, I'm not your typical girl.
I don't belong to that "every girl" thing.
I am not the woman of your dreams.
I am a woman; a lady of my own.
I am not as plain as you think.
I have colors in every bits of me.
But it seems that you're a color blind.
I am a woman of my own.
I am not born to please every man.
I am a woman who stands for my own femininity.
You thought I like that "every girl" thing but I don't.
Don't treat me the way you treat your typical girl.
Don't give me what you thought "every girl" wants
Because again, I am not your every girl.
I am different from the rest of them and so are they.
I don't wear those flashy pink colors.
I don't wear those dangling earnings.
I don't wear those sexy shoes.
I don't put paint on my face.
I don't wear perfumes.
I don't wear those designers undergarments.
I don't need those to make me a woman.
I am a woman of my own.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate it.
I just don't find it all comfortable.

Frustrated.

I am FRUSTRATED. I feel like everything is a mess! Things won't work on my way. My plans doesn't go the way I wanted it. Okay, it's not like I'm a control freak - in fact, I am not. But lately (well not lately), since last semester things won't just be the way I wanted it. I started the semester with the great plans on my head. for the first time, in my actual life I actually did plan something, and in the end it didn't go well. Before, even though there are bad times, where things won't work the way I wished for it, still things go quite smoothly. Now, everything seems a battle. Like in every step of the way there's hindrances.

Like in the first half of my last semester, our thesis proposal didn't go well. We revised EVERYTHING! We ended up having a thesis we don't love, and that we actually have to love over time. We had constant battle with the DEAN of our college. My exams, if not failed I only got enough passing score (which is of course, my fault). My internship in one of the best institution (I think) got postponed a lot of times. So I ended up, having to wait for  like 5 months for me to have a slot there! Then when I actually "thought" that I already have the slot because I did apply and they said YES, that they'll just call me and I can start in next month. So I was waiting for their message but doesn't received anything a week or two before the month I supposed to start. then, I actually decided call and asked when can I actually start my internship. Then they asked me if I give them my resume! And I was like of course! I did passed that to you! I wouldn't apply here without one??!! I simply just said yes, then they told me to come back next month and I can start right away!!! DAMN THAT! Like, really? I waited for that internship and now you're telling me to wait again????! I did a lot of waiting, my schedule was all ruined because of that wasted waiting for that "dream" internship!

So I decided to look for another company/institution, because I have to finish my 200 hrs. of internship within this month because next month I have to focus in our thesis if I want to graduate on time.

My diploma is hanging on a thread! Our thesis is not progressing fast enough. I still have problems that maybe the dean won't sign our endorsement for the other company since it's pretty late now.

If I'm gonna meet him, I must update him regarding our thesis because apparently he's our thesis adviser.

Anyways, pray for me guys! I want to graduate on time not just for me but for my parents. I think they deserve to see me on stage getting my diploma. They did most of the hard work you know.

PLEASE LORD, OUR GOD. PLEASE?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Since The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie was so great I decided to write a review about it, or should I say realization about or just simply a reflection.

I like the movie way better than the book, maybe because I didn't finished the book. It was boring and I am too busy last semester so I decided that I won't finished it and decided to return it to my classmate who lend me the book.

The movie was funny until you come into the end. Not that, it's full of drama, it's just whenever I watch an awesome movie I always cry at the end - what ever genre is that as long as I find it great.
I won't call it a sad movie since Charlie said that his story is not a sad story anymore - that it's alive. Since I didn't finish the book, though I only have few pages left - I didn't know what his Aunt Hellen did to him. It was a shock of me and I feel so stupid for not finishing the book. I regret that! I wished I finished it!

So I love the ending, like what I've said, it made me cry. I love the movies that made me cry at the end. It was a great movie and I salute Stephen Chbosky for that, since he's the director and the screen writer plus the book writer. Though, I didn't appreciate the book as much as I appreciate the movie, it inspire me to write and to be a sensible person.

This story is really amazing! Since I lack english vocabulary, I couldn't express my feelings more than the word "amazing". It was amazing movie, not the molested part thing, even though it was not clearly stated. A part of me wish that I didn't know that, since Charlie regarded his Aunt Hellen as his "FAVORITE" person. Also, part of me was glad to know that since I now get a clear picture of why he needed to be hospitalized over something that I thought wasn't that traumatic. In the ending it shows that everything happens from our past has a impact to our future - yes, it sounds like a true Freudian.

This movie inspired me to be alive, to write, to cherish every moment, to be the best that I can be, and to be INFINITE! I wanna go out there and have fun. I want to dance like mad, sing like hell, and drink like a every single drop counts. I want to experience life in the fullest! I wanna live my life! I want to do great things!

I want a new life, and be the person I am. I want to let out the real me who has been restrain with the reality. I've been hiding myself a lot, I want to have the opportunity to go and reveal myself. I want to meet new people. I want to go in a different place, far away from here. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I want to experience every rush of the moment. I want to feel the coldness of the night. I want to feel the warmth of the sun. I want to dance with the dangling light. I want to sing along with the wind. I want to jump of the cliff and never die. I want to experience the whole me. I want to drowned myself with happiness. I want to see the world with me on it. I want to be in the world where I belong. I don't want to be idle anymore. I want to go out and have fun! I want to feel the earth. I want to feel alive. I want my dreams and reality to collide.

I want all of those. I live for those. For now, I am waiting to have the opportunity and a luxury to do it.


Wait for me Life, I'll come and get you!

A letter for Paulo Coelho

Dear Mr. Paulo Coelho,

I don't know if you'll ever find this blog and read my letter to you, given the fact that my chance of you reading this like 10% only I am still willing to express my admiration for you.

I am currently reading Aleph, and once again you touched my entire humanity. You open my heart, mind and soul. You never fail in reaching my heart through your works. You never fail in bringing back my faith. Because of your works I regain my faith. I feel like a new born.

I wouldn't pretend that I read all of your works, because I only read and finished only 4 of it; 11 minutes, The Alchemist, Veronica decided to die, and By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept. With only those 4 writing, you touched my soul - you renew my soul. In every writing of yours that I had read, I always have this realization. The world seems so bright after reading your works. It bring me closer to God.

I don't want to pretend nor to assume that I have the full knowledge of your religious and spiritual belief but let me tell you that whatever religion you belong too - I am not offended by it. Normally, I will put down a book because the writer talks about their religious beliefs which obviously I don't believe in.

When I was 16, I was in the edge of falling to my own hell. I was in danger of not believing that God exist. I was ready to give up, I was ready to be an Atheist. But through God I found your work and through your work I found my own faith. I found my God - my God because we form our own concept of God. I am aware that we all do have one God, it's just that we have different concepts which is part of our search of Him.

It's amazing how God blessed you. I want to call you one of my hero's for saving my faith.

Right now, I am perfectly happy with my spiritual life. I don't belong to any religious group anymore and I think it suits me best. I read bible on my own terms. I want to understand it with on my own. I want to have my own interpretation of it, besides life will tell if what I interpreted was right or wrong.
Now I find myself talking to God more than I did years ago (when I haven't read any of your works).

I want to thank you! Thank you for using your gift and sharing it with us. Thank you for bringing back my faith. I don't know how to say it less iconic but through your works I found my way to faith and God. Your words in your writing seems perfectly answer my questions that wasn't yet answered. Thank you for letting me understand my spiritual being. Don't worry, I don't see you as God (I am against to that kind of iconic thing). I just see your work as another instrument for the lost individual like me (the old me) - who was once resisted God.
I hope you''l continue writing. You don't just inspire me, you make me believe. Continue to use your gift from God.


Yours truly,
Sola Meadow